Dear Partners of Moms of Small Children,
I know, honey, I know. You were almost certainly lovers first, but now you’re the sexless-opposite: parents. Every pair of jeans she puts on are, by definition, mom jeans. All of his jokes are dad jokes. Sleep deprivation becomes a way of life; bed-related fantasies generally involve sweet, sweet life-giving slumber.
Sex famously takes a back-seat once a couple has carseats in their minivan, for any number of good reasons. However, there are also a few reasons the mother of your children might just be into you tonight:
- To feel like a grown woman for a hot minute. Motherhood has a charming way of transforming a person – a fully competent, adult person, even – into a sniveling lunatic who might not even notice if she has someone’s snot on her shirt (Just me?). It’s possible that a mom might want to have sex with you just so that she can spend a few minutes remembering who she was back then.
- As a way to reconnect with you. The two of you are working your tails off together, balancing kids, bills, cooking, dishes, and a shocking amount of laundry. You’re a well-oiled parenting machine, it seems, of eunuchs. Sometimes, when things get hectic, it’s nice to take a break from the task-list and remember why you decided to become parents together in the first place.
- Because it’s worth maintaining. Face it, if (like mine) your partnership functions better when your sex life is relatively active, it might be worth having sex just to end a drought. The longer the drought, the more forced and weird post-drought sex can seem. Sometimes, it’s better just to keep the home fires burning.
- Because she’s not self-conscious about her body in front of you. Here’s the deal, bub, and I’m going to say this SLOWLY. Even putting the emotional aspect of becoming a parent aside, pregnancy, birth, and early motherhood are extremely physically demanding tasks for most mothers. Thanks to a complicated hormone cocktail, the body of a person carrying a child to term is going to swell nearly beyond recognition. Then, there are only two ways out: major surgery, or pushing a child through her VAGINA (aka: a major female sex organ.) Then, frequently, their boobs (another famously sexy part) will start dripping mammalian milk, of all things.That’s just a typical, uncomplicated pregnancy. Add medical issues? Fertility issues? You get why that’s a difficult thing to take, right? You get why it might not feel especially appealing to disrobe in front of someone who MAY have gone on record as being a big fan of her body, as it was in the great Before? Remember this: Growing old together was the plan. Parenting together might have even been in your vows.
- There are a few big things that you do to make sure that you’re not contributing to a mom’s hesitance toward nakedness: (A) Be body positive about HER body. Love it the way it is now, no questions asked. I did not stutter: No. Questions. Asked. And, (B) Be body positive about EVERYONE ELSE’S body. You might not want to talk about how bangin’ that 22-year old starlet is. You also might not want mention that the 40 year-old, former starlet has let herself go. Either way, you’re setting yourself up as a person who is in the business of assessing women based on their exteriors. Don’t do it. (Bonus points: Stop thinking that way).
- Because hormones: I’ve read (in super reliable, scientific sources like Marie Claire) that women hit a sexual peak in their late 30’s and early 40’s. I have no idea if that’s true, but as I’ve gotten older, the hormonal beats of my cycle have become a bit…harder to ignore. Yes, things like PMS have gotten more intense as I’ve aged. But I’ve also seen a definite time of the month where I’ve got the mind of a randy teenager. UNLIKE your average teenager, however, I have a partner who signed on for this kind of responsibility. In an extremely informal, hushed interview with a few friends, I got a lot of nods when I asked if anyone had experienced the same thing. One even had a name for it: “Egg day.”Just use precaution, and make informed choices, folks. More babies = fewer “egg days” for a while. (But then again, MORE BABIES WHEEE!!)
- Because you’re a good lover, and you make an effort. Just going to let this one stand alone, I think.
- Because, thank you: I’ll admit it. If you tell me to take a load off, put me to bed early, take care of the kitchen clean-up and then put the kids to be solo? Your chances go WAY up. I can smell a set-up a mile away, buster – don’t do those things because you’re trying to butter me up. But if your heart’s in the right place, and you’re doing it because you care? MAN I like that. I liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike it. Comehere.