What My Depression Did To Me…

I was back to my high school weight, feeling great, crazy in love with the best man I’d ever met, and loving life! Then the end of 2013 happened. Some people I had thought were my closest friends betrayed me in several ways and went on a campaign to destroy my marriage. They did everything they could to destroy my reputation and destroy me. Some people just can’t stand to see others happy.

I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was. After a few months of this, my husband was worn down, and I started hiding further and further within myself. I stopped working out, stopped doing the things I loved, I lost my job, I ate all the time and very unhealthy things, and I was extremely sensitive to anything that even sounded like criticism from my husband. On reflection, he was actually extremely supportive and showed me so much love and patience during 2014.

I put on over 40 pounds that year. I didn’t even really see myself for months, I was in such a haze. I think I ended up in tears every day. My self-esteem tanked. I didn’t want to do anything anymore but sleep and eat. After the holidays the end of 2014, I saw a picture of myself and didn’t even recognize myself. I went in the mirror and really looked at myself. I had no idea whose body that was in the reflection. I got on the scale and realized that I weighed more than I did when I went into the hospital to have my child.

These revelations caused me to fall into an even deeper depression. I was so embarrassed and ashamed of how far I had let myself go. I felt like I was clawing out of this deep, dark hole – scratching and fighting my way out. One day, my daughter came up to me and asked, “Mommy, why are you always crying?” That broke my heart. I made a decision that day to get my mind right again. It was January of 2015, and I enrolled at Planet Fitness, got out the My Fitness Pal app, and worked on getting my head on straight again.

It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Around April of 2015, I finally felt like I was stronger mentally again. My eyes had suddenly opened to all the excuses I had been making for myself and to how sensitive I was to anything and everything said to me. I realized that I took what anyone else said to me, and that was how I viewed myself during pretty much all of 2014. By September of last year, I had lost 23 pounds of what I had put on, my health was better, I wasn’t crying all the time anymore, and I felt a little more like myself.

During the last four months of this past year, I slacked off a bit and didn’t make it to the gym once. As a result, I didn’t lose any more weight for the rest of the year. Going into 2016, I feel so strong mentally, know I am so much less sensitive about everything, and recognize myself a little bit more in the mirror. I still have so much work to do, but I know I can do it. I started using the My Fitness Pal app again and gave my fitness goals a jumpstart at Barre3. Instead of looking back on the pictures of me from before 2014 and feeling bad about myself, I now can look at those pictures and feel inspired to get back to work and be my best me again! I’ve promised myself to never let myself go down that path to depression again. I do it for me, I do it for my marriage, and I do it for my daughter.