You Would Be Five

When we decided we were ready for a baby, I never considered the challenges. Of course I knew they existed, but those close to me hadn’t experienced (or didn’t talk about) things like infertility, miscarriage and stillborn. Those are scary words, filled with so many emotions and fears, so understandably people don’t like to use them. However, over the past few years, I’ve noticed a shift. More families – more moms – are talking about their experiences, their struggles. I wish this would have been the case almost six years ago…


We tried for three years. After some intervention, the day finally came – pregnant. I had just lost my job and the timing, though scary, seemed perfect. We’d figure it out because our dream had come true. The weeks that followed were a blur. Indecisive ultrasound, low numbers, more blood work…slowly the dream faded away. It turns out, this baby was so perfect, he/she was just too good for this world of ours.

Sweet baby…you would be five this month. You’d be in your last year of pre-school, charming everyone you’d meet, I’m sure. Despite your physical absence, you’ve filled my heart…and taught me so much.

You taught me it was possible. 34 pregnancy tests – you were positive. You showed us that we could – and would – be parents.

You taught us to grow even closer. Our family was broken down, but we were strong enough to build back up. You gave us that gift.

You taught us to share. I have always told others about you. I am not ashamed of you or weary of telling others your story – you bring others comfort and hope.

You taught us to keep trying. We didn’t give up, because you pushed us. We sent you a sibling a few months later, and then had your brother and sister. We love you just as much.

You taught me the true meaning of life. I didn’t get it before, I didn’t know how precious it really is. Having a baby is a miracle, it is truly amazing…and should not be taken for granted.

Our little ones that are not with us right now, they’ve taught us a lot. I know more mothers who have gone through this than haven’t. That fact is both incredibly sad and hopeful. As a community of mothers, we are in this together. It’s important to share our journeys of motherhood, and tell stories of ALL of our babies. Thankfully, our hearts may stay the same size, but they are capable of holding an infinite amount of love.

Happy 5th birthday, baby.

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