Why I Won’t Spank My Kid: Perspectives in Parenting

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SpankingOn my last trip back home, my family sat around the dinner table and reminisced and brought up stories from the days of old. There is a really good one about how when I was around four or five years old, I got really mad at my older brother. It was late at night and we were in our bunk beds. I was so frustrated with him, I decided the best way to get revenge on him was to pee on the floor at the foot of the bunk bed ladder. In the morning, he would step in a puddle of pee and I would have my sweet, sweet revenge. There is also the family favorite about the time my sister and I decided to make it snow in our basement by throwing handful upon handful of powdered laundry detergent all over our basement. Then there is the time I gnawed a hole in the back of a car seat at the drive-in showing of Tim Burton’s Batman because the Joker freaked me out.

At one point during the story telling, somebody recounted a time in which I had threatened to call 9-1-1 on my parents in the midst of a family argument. Nearly everybody laughed, but I’m not sure exactly why. My best guess is that they felt it was a story about a younger version of myself taking things too far and overreacting by threatening to call the police.

I have a hard time finding that story funny. Not because I have a hard time laughing at myself, but because that story has an entirely different significance for me. That was the moment in which corporal punishment as a means of discipline was taken off the table for me.

Now, I want to immediately interject and clarify some things. I am not having a “A Child Called It” moment here. At no point would I call or even consider the way that my parents disciplined me to fall under the category of abuse. There was a wide variety of ways in which my parents enacted discipline in the household. It just so happened that one of those ways was physical.

There were times where we had to take a time out and stand in a corner. There were the times in which we had to write out multiplication tables, or copy pages out of a dictionary. There were times when we lost privileges and had things taken away as well. I am no stranger to having my mouth washed out with soap. In addition to that, there were times in which I was spanked as a kid. Without having surveyed everybody my age, I would be inclined to think that my experience was somewhat typical for my generation.

And, it is with those experiences under my belt, that I have made the decision that I will never be one of those parents who hits or spanks their kids.

Every now and then somebody will post something on their Facebook page that says something to the effect of, “my parents spanked me as a child. As a result, I now suffer from a psychological condition known as respect for others,” crediting corporal punishment for the fact they turned out not to be a serial killer or one of those guys who cuts the tags off mattresses, or bites the buttons off the back seats of taxi cabs.

Again, as somebody who has been spanked as a kid, I can say by virtue of writing this post, I am obviously still alive. I have a good job, I have a family, and my life doesn’t suck. Things couldn’t have been that bad, right?

Well, let’s examine this a little bit.

I won’t spank my kid, because spanking turned me into a liar.
As a kid, I was a persistent and constant liar. If I did something wrong or made a mistake, my first instinct would always be to deny and lie. I would point the finger at others, I could claim and plead ignorance of the situation, and I would do absolutely anything and everything possible to avoid the potential repercussions of my actions. Sometimes the simplest of transgressions could turn into hour-long ordeals as I simply refused to own up to what I had done. Each lie was always for the same reason, to avoid punishment. It never worked. The truth would come out in the end, but the possibility of not being held accountable for something I had done was worth it to me, even if the punishment was compounded because of the lying. Again, spanking wasn’t the only option, but it was the worst one. It was one worth lying to avoid. While I could be wrong, I don’t think that a time out or a discussion about my actions of have elicited the same response.

I won’t spank my kid, because it made me fear my parents.
This isn’t to say that I lived out my days terrified of my parents, because that isn’t the case at all. Yet, I can think about the times my mom said something to the effect of, “just wait until your father gets home and hears about what you did.” I don’t recall feeling remorse or regret at my actions. Instead, I would become afraid. Now that I am a parent, the idea that my own kid would be afraid of me, it breaks my heart. It is one thing to act a little spooky while playing around in the living room and it is something totally different to be afraid of how your parent will negatively react to something. While I don’t recall it as such, imagine how confusing it would have to be for a child to have fear as a component of a relationship based on unconditional love. I would never want my face or my voice to be a stimulus of fear for my kids.

I won’t spank my kid, because it sets a confusing double standard.
You never think about these types of things when you are a kid, but in retrospect it makes total sense. My siblings and I had a pretty serious problem with hitting each other. We were constantly hauling off and smacking each other whenever we were the least bit upset with each other. Of course, the second we put our hands on each other, we would be in trouble. My parents would take away the video games and issue other sorts of punishments. From time to time, that might include spanking. Yet, when you think about it, how does hitting a child teach the lesson that hitting is wrong? At the very least it sends a confusing message to the child, at worst it communicates to kids that hitting is an appropriate way to punish somebody.

I won’t spank my kid, because it made it harder for me to talk to my parents.
As a kid, and even now, if I run into a situation that is new and confusing, I won’t hesitate to get in touch with my parents and ask them for some insight. Usually it is stuff about changing a tire, re-caulking a bath tub, or getting my financial paperwork in order. Yet, I never really went to my parents about the personal stuff. I never approached them and asked for advice about the grey areas. I never really opened up and shared about my relationships or the personal struggles that would crop up from time to time. Those conversations just didn’t happen. It wasn’t that I thought that talking about those things would get me in trouble, or get me spanked, but old habits persist. When you work as hard as I did to avoid getting into trouble, you quickly learn that you can’t get in trouble for things your parents don’t know about. As a result, the less you tell and the less you share, the less you have to be held accountable for. I want to know, and I want my kids to know years from now, that they can come to me to talk about the tough stuff. I don’t want them to be afraid of me, or my reaction, and I don’t want to do anything to get in the way of that.

I won’t spank my kid, because I can’t.
Some of my lowest moments as a parent, have been the times when something I did led to the injury of my kid. Fortunately, these injuries have always been minor. Accidentally stepping on a finger, two heads bumping when wresting around got to be a bit too crazy. Those moments are absolutely devastating. I will never forget the shock, the shame, and the horror I felt when an infant Milo rolled off the couch onto the floor after I stepped away to let the dog back inside. I felt like the worst person in the world, and even recounting in incident, I can feel the cold grip of guilt wrap around my gut. The memory of the cries my infant son gave on the days his little butt was red because I didn’t change his diaper quickly enough makes me feel like a scumbag. If that is how I feel because of an accident, how could I reasonably justify doing something that would intentionally cause pain? I just don’t have it in me.

A few days from now, my son will run away from me. I will wear a frown on my face, my brows will be furrowed and I will stomp after him and I will call out, “get back here, I am going to beat your butt!” When I catch up to him, he will turn and run the other way, screaming all the while, fighting desperately to get away.

Those three sentences, they sound absolutely horrible. Saying, “he is going to turn out just fine,” doesn’t change the awfulness of those three sentences. Before you get sad, angry, or infuriated with me, let me share with you the ending.

He will be laughing, and I will be laughing because we’re running around acting silly. Finally, when I decide catch him, I will scoop him up in my arms and give him a big hug and place a smooch on his flushed cheeks. He will feel safe, cared for, and loved.

I won’t spank my kid, he can continue to feel like that every single day.

4 COMMENTS

  1. The double standard one is what takes corporal punishment off the table in our family. I’ve never been able to wrap my mind around how I could teach my children that physical violence is NEVER OK, if I spank them myself.

    For the record, I was NOT regularly spanked as a child. I can think of two times when my mom slapped me across the face, and once I also got the ol’ mouth washed out with soap. My dad never raised a hand to me. And I’m also a pretty successful and law-abiding citizen. 🙂

  2. Good article. I did note though that your child was only three years old. I’d be interested in seeing a follow up article from you when your child is all the way grown up. I’m not disrespecting you or criticizing the article at all. I think all parents should start from the point of view that they want to avoid spanking as a method of discipline. Hopefully, you’ll never have to deal with serious discipline issues. As a single mother, I had to deal with stealing and even one situation where my son chose to destroy property. I used spanking sparingly. However, when I dealt with that kind of behavior, a sore butt was a consequence. I have a small hand and so he got his butt whipped with a belt. In today’s world, a parent who admits to reaching for the belt is generally condemned. I’m sorry I had to do it, but I would probably react the same way if something like this occurred again. I wish you an easier time raising your child than I had.

  3. Just wait til they’re grown and you can’t stop them from smoking pot and drinking underage. Spanking isn’t physical abuse, nor is it unethical. It is how for CENTURIES children have been disciplined and I don’t think you should exclude it from your list of punishment. Your kid should be around 8 now so I’m curious to see how he’s doing as far as behavior goes.

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