Stop Saying No! (And Other Crazy Ideas That Just Might Work.)

Mom Lesson #121: Stop saying no to your kids!

Ever wonder why the first word for so many babies is “no”?  I don’t – I know why.  It’s because it’s the word they hear from us most often.  The littler they are the sweeter our tone “No, no sweetie.  Please don’t touch that.”  And for some reason we start with one and add and add and add until we’re not even sure what we were trying to stop in the first place.

For me, it was one of those days when the only words that had come out of my mouth were stop, don’t, quit, and no – and it struck me that if I was exhausted by all the negative, so were they. Not to mention, when someone tells me I can’t do something it makes me want to do it all the more. So I changed my approach: instead of telling them what NOT to do, I told them what TO do. “Stop throwing your train!” became “Please be gentle with your train”.  “Don’t pee on the floor!” became “Please aim for the toilet.”

Play out your own personal example and you’ll notice that when the focus shifts to the active (what TO do) instead of the passive (what NOT to do) the conversation feels – and actually is – more positive. And it’s not just about feeling positive (because discipline rarely feels that way), it’s about the tone of your conversation with your kid – about correcting their behavior without demeaning them. Since I made this change, the side effects have been crazy: I hardly ever raise my voice (because it sounds ridiculous to yell positive instruction – try it), their manners have improved dramatically because they hear mine all day, and they listen the first (or second) time.

Just to be sure you don’t become a one trick pony, here are a few supplemental ideas that I have found keep things from getting out of control:

Tell them why. Kids can’t always predict, or even understand, the consequences of their actions (why do you think they get SO upset when the tower they built on the carpet falls over for the tenth time?), so it is helpful to lay it out for them. In fact, the more frequently I explain why, the better they get at anticipating what will happen next, which decreases disappointment (and meltdowns). This sounds like “Buddy, mama always wants you to be safe, and you could fall and get hurt if you jump on the couch. Please jump on the floor instead.”

Accentuate the positive. Take the couch jumping one step further. “Ooooh! Are you jumping on the couch? I love to jump too – can I jump with you? I don’t want you to fall or get hurt, so let’s jump on the floor together to be safe”. Jumping is fun. Playing with trains is fun. Screaming can even be fun – in the right context. Instead of vilifying the behavior, focus on what’s positive about it and do that together.

Cut them off at the pass. When you see him headed toward his sister (who happens to be a new walker) with absolute intent to knock her over, stop his progress with a compliment like “Thanks for helping her stay steady when she walks buddy! You are such a good helper!”.  This seems to stop him right in his little stinker tracks.

Thank them. This goes without saying, but we all love to be caught doing something good. So when they’re playing quietly, thank them. When they’re speaking softly, thank them. When they’re being gentle with their siblings, thank them. This is a simple thing, but it imprints right on your kiddos heart.

Set clear expectations. Every joy or disappointment we experience is rooted in a met or unmet expectation – think about it. You are thrilled that you received flowers for your birthday because the gesture either met or exceeded your expectation. You are frustrated that the garbage has not been taken out because you expected someone else to do it. With kids, this can look like reviewing tomorrows schedule before bed or clarifying expected behaviors in advance of an activity. For example, if we’re going to the park I set expectations about being a good friend at the park – playing nicely, taking turns, watching out for smaller kiddos, going down (not up) the slide, etc.  

It costs less to create good behavior than to correct bad behavior.  In the short term it takes longer to give positive direction than to snap a negative one and it takes more energy to really think about your words before they come flying out of your mouth. But long term, we’re laying more bricks in the foundation of our kiddos character by taking the road less traveled.

Of course, I’m not advocating that we never say no to our kids (in fact, no is one of the most loving things we can say to them).  I’m simply suggesting that we save no for when we really need it (like when they are headed into a busy street or about to touch the hot burner).  They’ll take us seriously when we use powerful words sparingly.  

When it comes down to it, remember that your kiddo won’t be a kiddo for long. You have limited time to impress the important things on their hearts, and it can be hard to figure out what those are when you’re exhausted from saying no all day. Find what you can say yes to, and try that.