When It’s More Than Baby Blues

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I remember being told before my daughter was born to expect to be sad and have problems with my emotions as my hormones settled after her birth. I went into the situation expecting to feel a lot like I did every month during my period – sad, angry, and a little listless. I was NOT prepared for the onslaught of emotions that came about 48-hours following delivery. 

I spent the first week crying almost CONSTANTLY. There was this feeling of dread and dismay that I couldn’t shake. I asked friends with babies how long this would last and was repeatedly told “4-6 weeks”. That amount of time felt like an eternity when I was facing what seemed like the end of my life as I knew it. 

A trip out of the house when my daughter was 10 days old helped with the constant crying, but there was still a dark cloud over me. I felt sad, and then I felt guilty for being sad. Then I felt angry for being guilty, which would make me feel sad again. Wasn’t a baby supposed to bring joy? 

My six-week follow-up appointment with my midwife included a postpartum depression screening, as I expected, but the results are what came as a surprise: I exhibited the classic signs of postpartum depression and anxiety. 

Putting a name to the ugly feelings inside me helped a lot. When I would feel the onslaught of panic before walking down the stairs with my daughter in my arms, I could recognize that it was my PPD, not me. When I would feel the rage boiling inside me after my daughter woke for the fourth time in as many hours, I could say to my husband, “This is triggering me and I need your help”. 

But it didn’t get better for a long time. I was prescribed antidepressants but scared that taking them would harm my already-shaky breast milk supply, so I didn’t. I tried more sunshine and better foods, but didn’t see a lot of results. It wasn’t until my lactation consultant recommended vitamin supplements that I really started to feel better; also, by the point, my daughter was nearing six months of age. 

My struggle was hard and compounded by breastfeeding and health issues that triggered me. But I’m so glad that I sought help and talked to others about it. Postpartum depression wasn’t a sign of weakness or indicative of my abilities as a mom; it is an illness that I had to treat and continue to do so today. 

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Emily Swegert
Emily was born in Cincinnati but transplanted to rural Michigan as a toddler with her parents. She moved back while in high school and has been here since. She met her husband, Eric, while completing her undergrad in education at Miami University. Two master's degrees, a house, and a dog later, they decided to expand their family. Their daughter Piper was born in April 2017. Emily spent 18 months as a stay-at-home-mom before taking a GIANT leap and becoming a doula. Shortly thereafter, she was approached by the owner of a local agency about taking over the business. She now works from home running Tender Beginnings while sharing adventures with her daughter.

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