I haven’t felt very well lately. No, I haven’t been ill; I just haven’t felt good. My stomach has been upset, my sleep has been erratic and, worst of all, I have been extremely short tempered with my son and everything else in my life. I feel depleted and as though I need to catch my breath. These feelings have brought to mind something Bilbo said to Gandalf in J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Fellowship of the Ring:
“I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.”
Trying to parent when I’m already feeling emotionally drained and overextended is not easy. I’m ashamed to admit that in this stressed out state, I am quick to yell and resort to threats. Even as I’m doing it, I know that it is wrong and I’m disappointed in myself. The hurt on my son’s face racks me with guilt and regret. This is not the mother I want to be. This is not the mother my son needs. I need to act better for him and towards him.
Realizing that I need to make some change in my life in order to feel like there is enough butter on my bread, I’ve done some introspection and have spoken to a loved one. I’ve concluded that there are several things that I need to change in order to hopefully regain my equilibrium and find contentment once again.
- Eat better and exercise. This sounds so simple, but for me it is so hard! I will spare you the excuses as to why I don’t have the time for this change. The truth is, this is the most important step that I need to take and it’s ridiculous that I haven’t taken it before now.
- Accept that there are certain components in my life that I cannot change. I need to accept them for what they are and actively choose to not allow them to negatively impact my life.
- Shift my perspective and focus on what I do have. My life hasn’t exactly followed the path that I had anticipated, hoped for, or even planned. I need to let go of what I thought my life was going to be like and acknowledge that it is different. I also need to concede that different isn’t inherently good or bad.
- Realize that my son is only five and that his actions and inability to focus on any one task is not a deliberate and diabolical attempt to drive me insane.
- Slow down! I’m not sure how or why it started, but somewhere my homebody existence got turned completely on its head. I went from hardly leaving my house on weekends to barely being at home. I work full time outside of the home and some days I simply want to skip the shower, wear yoga pants, and not drive anywhere. My son, conversely, never wants to stay home and be bored (his word). I truly enjoy getting out and exploring with my son and usually pick activities and destinations that we’ll both enjoy. I will continue this, but with a more selective approach and relaxed attitude. We don’t have to do everything. In an effort to slow down and spend more quality time with my son, I’ve recently instituted a Friday Movie Night. We used to spend Friday evenings at an indoor pool, which was great fun for him but not so much for me. Personally, I love being home on Friday nights. It’s so much more relaxing and I get to snuggle with my little guy. It’s also a great opportunity to share some of my favorite movies (Star Wars!) and to expose him to ones that are a little more mature (PG vs. G).
That’s the plan so far – and just in time for the holidays. I’m not sure how I’m going to make myself accountable for all that I have written down. My undeniable need and desire for these changes will hopefully be all the motivation needed to set this plan in motion.
What do you do when you feel like you need to be restored? How do you maintain the right amount of butter on your bread? What are your sources of motivation and accountability?