A few months back, in the late summer, I overheard and witnessed the following scenario (I have named my characters but I have no knowledge of what these 3 girls names actually were):
Three girls approximately 8-9 years old were playing together at the park, they appeared to know each other from school. Two of them seemed to have come to the park together and began playing with the other little girl when they recognized her from school. One of the little girls, I will call her Julie, was being kind of a brat (sorry, but to be honest) and was not wanting to play the game the girls had agreed to play by the rules. She was insistent that they needed to let her play however she wanted, even if that meant she was cheating. Up until this point I only had been casually paying attention to them, as obviously I was watching my own child, until I heard the following statements and it caused me to pause and think:
Anna: “Julie, you are not being very nice. We just want to play the game.”
Julie: “I do not care. I will play it my way, butthead.”
Anna: “I am going to go tell your mom, that you are being mean!”
Julie: “Go ahead, I do not care. My mom is one of those moms who does not punish me. She lets me do whatever I want.”
The two girls stood and starred at “Julie” for a bit. One of them did go over to tell Julie’s mom (who was ironically not that far away) about what had happened and sure enough, she did not do anything, just as Julie had predicted. Here’s what I found very interesting though, the two girls obviously went off to play without Julie. Julie at first seemed content to play by herself but I kept watching her try to get them to play with her again. She instead sat by herself on the bars, occasionally doing flips. Her mom, did come over and engage with her but Julie’s attention kept going to the other two girls that were playing a game together.
Now, I know there are many unknown factors and I was merely a distant observer of a situation. I do not know Julie or Julie’s mom, or the other two girls. But here are some of my thoughts about the situation: Not disciplining or “punishing” your children does not protect them from hurt or disappointment. In fact, inadvertently, you may be causing them to be susceptible to more disappointments. It was very clear that afterwards Julie wanted to play with the other girls, she did not want to play by herself. However, the other girls did not want to play with her because she had not learned how to play nicely with other kids. There were no consequences for her when she was not respectful to her peers and because of this her peers isolated her from their play. My guess is that this hurt and disappointment, if not in that moment over the long road, will be much more upsetting than a loving correction or act of discipline from her mother.
As a mother, it is never enjoyable when I have to discipline, correct, or punish daughter. I do not like the feeling of causing her to be sad or upset. However, as the adult, the care giver, it is my responsibility to be able to see the long term effect of my child’s behavior and choices. It is my job to be intentional about how I am helping her grow and learn. We are always molding our children; even if you are hands off, your child is developing habits, thoughts, and reactions in a response to this. I wonder if Julie’s mom had that vision, would she still choose to be a “mom who does not punish?” If she could see the hurt her daughter was feeling because she was isolated from her peers would it change her demeanor? Change her response to discipline? There are many facets to being a parent, some wonderful and rewarding, some challenging but they are all part of what make us the most important figures in our children’s lives. I personally hope that I never forget the gravity and the privilege of that. That day at the park definitely helped to further impress that on me as a parent.
I respectfully disagree with the conclusion you came to from your observation. The feelings the little girl experienced by being excluded were far more valuable than if her mother had “disciplined” her. That is learning in it’s truest form. What kind of punishment would even be appropriate in this case? Parents interfering with children’s play (barring any physical threat) is one of the greatest disservices being done to our chikdren today. Forcing them to share and get along at all times is so unnatural and takes away so much valuable learning. I understand wanting them to learn things faster and that we think they can benefit from our decades of experience but they are not meant to learn everything from us in that way. That’s just my opinion. We all want what’s best for our kids, but there are different ways of getting there. Hurt feelings are sometimes necessary and I would rather my daughter’s feelings be hurt by another child than her feel any shame or rejection from me. I will be there to support her afterwards, dry her tears and talk about what happened and maybe help her figure out on her own what she could do differently next time.
Or perhaps the natural consequence of being rejected by her peers will be a far greater lesson in being kind to others and it social skills than if he mother had intervened?
[…] Playground Rules: When Discipline Affects Play […]
I think that her overall point is that the girl told the others that she didn’t get punished by her mother, which probably let to the behavior–not that parents should always interfere in these situations. That if the girl had been taught upfront the rules of engagement on the playground, she would have been less likely to misbehave.
I do agree that at that juncture, the mom was smart to let the girl feel disappointment from her decision…but what if she had been taught those consequences rather than having that worldview of “go ahead and tell on me–my mom won’t do anything.” Surely that isn’t a great way for a child to think?
If kids are just supposed to teach themselves by misbehaving and then feeling bad about it–then why discipline kids ever, at all?