You’ve wished for, prayed for and anxiously waited for the day your baby is born. It’s a magical moment filled with love, tears, memories and inevitably the beginning of guilt. At least, that was the case for me. I always planned on breastfeeding my babies. My husband and I went to the class at the hospital, I talked with friends who had done it and it seemed like it would be such a magical, lovely process that would happen naturally and would be the best way to bond with my brand new baby.
When my first baby was born, I followed all of the rules that were supposed to lead to successful breastfeeding. We did skin on skin right away and tried nursing before anyone even came in to meet our new addition. At first, it seemed like the magic was happening. He latched on and although nothing was there yet, he seemed to get it. I was relieved and didn’t worry too much about it. Fast-forward several hours later and there was still no sign of milk, which I was told could take days to come in. But then, I wondered, what would my baby eat? Did he not need to eat for days?? I didn’t remember this being mentioned in my class. I don’t remember the exact time frame after that, but it got to the point where the pediatrician recommended we give him some formula, because he was showing signs of jaundice and hadn’t had a bowel movement yet. I instantly felt my first dose of mom guilt. And it didn’t stop there. When the doctor left the room, I cried uncontrollably to my husband. I was a failure. I was a new mom and I failed at a job I was supposed to be able to do – feed my baby.
The next several weeks didn’t get any easier. We did end up supplementing my obsessive pumping with formula and I visited as many lactation consultants as possible to try and find out why we couldn’t figure this out. Unfortunately, this is one of my biggest memories from the days after my son was born. Not the snuggles and coos, not even the sleepless nights, but the complete heartache I felt not being able to breastfeed. After about three months, I decided to exclusively pump and supplement with formula. Pumping around the clock and all that goes along with it was very difficult, especially once I went back to teaching and after ten months I stopped. Believe it or not, I still was not over the disappointment and shame I felt having to give my baby formula.
When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter (around the time my son turned one), one of my first thoughts was – I really hope she will breastfeed. Nine months later and not only did she also struggle with it, but I found out I would need open heart surgery shortly after giving birth. This meant breastfeeding was really not an option and I would only be able to pump for a short period of time. More disappointment and more explaining to lactation consultants and pediatricians why we were using formula instead of nursing. I’m not sure if these experts and doctors made me feel guilty by their words and actions or if it was all in my own head, as I dealt with my own pressure to give my baby what everyone agrees is best. It seemed to be an endless battle.
That’s when I admitted defeat. But not in an “I give up” or “It’s gotten the best of me” kind of way. I had two beautiful, healthy children who were nourished and loved and thriving. I was getting ready to go into a very serious surgery, with a lengthy recovery and I wouldn’t be able to hold my babies for several weeks, let alone feed them. Perspective slapped me right in the face. Why had I wasted so many tears, so much guilt and so many hours worrying about how I was feeding my kids? They were fed, end of story.
We see it everywhere, especially now, even on formula commercials. Breast is best. Public breastfeeding is a hot topic in society now, so much so that the “brelfie” (breastfeeding selfie) is the new pop icon. I love this and at the same time, hate it. Breastfeeding is the healthiest option for your baby, and for those moms who have success with it – you are so blessed. Those moms who can’t nurse or choose not to – you are blessed too. We all want what is best for our babies and that path will always look different for each mom. It’s common knowledge that moms can be made to feel uncomfortable when nursing in public. Would you believe I’ve been questioned about my choice to give formula – multiple times – when giving my babies a bottle in public? It happens, a lot.
So to the breastfeeding moms and formula moms and everyone in between – we really are all in the same boat. Mommyhood comes with its fair share of guilt, disappointment and anxiety. Every mom has a story and we all need to give each other and ourselves a break. I will salute my mixed up formula bottle to your exposed breast any day of the week, because we are all feeding our babies and most importantly – loving them in the best way we know how.
