If you asked them, my friends would tell you that I am not a rule follower. It isn’t in my nature. So most of them will not be surprised that I am encouraging you to break some parenting rules. Even if you aren’t the rebellious type, there are some solid reasons to reconsider these common parenting practices.
Rule #1: The kids always come first.
It is no secret that modern parents as a whole are tired, stressed, and dissatisfied. Studies confirm that up to 70% of parents experience a significant drop in happiness and satisfaction after having a baby, worse than divorce or job loss. Parenting is turning out to be more difficult, more stressful, and more time consuming than we thought. Parenting during my childhood was like a jog around the neighborhood—slow and steady. Now it seems more like an Olympic sport—special equipment, ever-increasing expectations, that coach (or voice in your head) telling you to try harder, practice more, commit your every ounce of energy to the goal.
Well, I am not signing up for that sport. A recent Boston Globe article explained how parents can choose to be happier. Author KJ Dell’Antonia found happier parents, “don’t put their children’s everyday needs above their own…When making decisions ranging from the mundane (what to serve for dinner) to the complicated (where to go on vacation), they made choices that worked for the whole family rather than focusing wholly on their kids’ desires and preferences.”
It is easy to fall into the habit of always choosing what is best for our children while ignoring what is best for us. I think this is a disservice to ourselves as well as our children. I want my kids to learn that every person in our family matters. Everyone’s needs matter. No one gets what they want all the time, but we all get what we want some of the time. That means I occasionally say no to what is best for them. It is OK to say yes to a “good enough” option for them that allows me to do something good for myself. It makes life better for all of us. And their spouses will thank me someday.
Rule #2: Set them up for success.
In a recent Psychology Today article, Dr. Peter Gray described how colleges are struggling with a startling number of students who are unable to deal with simple, everyday experiences. Student counseling centers are overrun with young adults seeking help with minor issues like a roommate disagreement, a mouse in their apartment, or the crushing disappointment of earning a C in class. These young people are plagued by emotional fragility and lack resilience. Why? They have never learned to deal with failure.
If we want to prepare our kids to be functional adults someday, perhaps we don’t need to constantly set them up for success. Instead, we can encourage them to try hard things, let them manage some of their time and choices on their own, and then let them experience whatever may come. Sometimes they will enjoy the success that comes from hard work, effort, and practice. Most will also experience the failure that comes from mediocrity or laziness. All the while, we can mentor them on how to fail gracefully and how to pick oneself up and move on. When they learn as children that they are capable of dealing with both success and failure, they will become young adults who can deal with life on their own.
Rule # 3: Make sure they “Be Careful!”
I’ll admit I say this way too much, and I am trying hard to stop. Why? It plants fear in children’s minds and unnecessary worry that the world is a dangerous place. That isn’t something I want to teach my children since it isn’t actually true. We live in a safer, healthier, cleaner world than any humans have before us. While I want them to be smart, aware, and safe, mostly I want them to go out and enjoy the world we live in. Make friends. Visit new places. Have adventures. Go fearlessly into the world and live.
Saying “be careful” constantly also second guesses their judgment. Just like adults, most kids have an innate sense of danger—when a person is creepy, when a path is too slippery to navigate safely, how high is too high to climb in a tree. To get good at listening to that inner voice, they need to practice and learn to trust themselves. By telling my children to be careful, I am asking them to give more weight to my perception than their own.
Rules are made to be broken, and breaking them isn’t just for kids anymore. Which parenting rules do you break and feel like you’re a better parent for it?
