Passionate About Cincinnati
and the Moms Who Live Here

Less Pumpkin Pie, More Name-Calling

**I don’t actually mean less pie, just more name-calling.**

Thanksgiving: a time for families to come together and celebrate a day of giving thanks. In our house it’s similar, but add a few dozen sharp, miniature toys on the floor, perhaps a small kitchen fire, smashed peas on a dining room rug, football deafening guests from a TV whose remote can’t be found, possibly an argument or two, and you’ve got a more realistic picture of our Thanksgiving. Ahhh, just in time for the holidays.

So I am here to add a dose of reality to that picture perfect family gathering. Read on for my proposed Thanksgiving Day table setting name cards. Feel free to use them at your own gathering… because we ALL know at least a few of these turkey dinner guests.

Living Room Nail Clipper: (husband) Has no clue that personal hygiene needs and Thanksgiving dinner do not go together. And why can’t he find a trashcan?

Runs from Hairbrush: (daughter) Yes, I know that her hair has gum in it. No, I don’t care. Pick your battles.

Hates Target and Silence: (son) I am not sure which is worse.

Wants to Discuss Nutrition of Lentils versus Quinoa: (mother-in-law) Are either of them pumpkin pie flavored and covered in whipped cream. Then, they both suck… it’s Thanksgiving.

Wants to Discuss Taking the Children to Church More: (mother) Does someone need a cocktail? Really, I can run to the store if we need more alcohol.

Generic-Brand Toilet Paper Consumer: (dad) Has anyone seen Dad?

DVRs Fox News: (grandfather) Seriously… liquor store run? I heard Costco sells wine.

New to Facebook-Tween. Friend status pending, forever: (niece) I don’t think I need to explain this one… you all get it right?

Doesn’t Eat Anything Being Served for Dinner: (nephew) Like anything. Not even the whipped cream covered pumpkin pie.

Uses Candy as a Bribe Momma Bear: (older sister) As long as she doesn’t give him all of the pumpkin pie.

Eats the Candy Herself Momma Bear: (younger sister) Ditto above.

Fancy Guest Towel User: (brother) FOR GUESTS ONLY, BRAH.

Chain Email Forwarder: (grandmother) Consumed by fear of bad luck for next seven years.

Butt Dialer: (father in law) You know those calls… the ones often accompanied by 5 minute long voicemail of background noise.

Sews Grandkid’s Winter Coats from Organic Wool Sheered from Own Sheep Farm: (aunt) Peace out family, I will be down the street at the bar.

Has Better Holiday Décor than You: (sister in-law) If she comments on how “darling” my target clearance finds are one more time…

Snores on the Couch: (uncle) Or chair, or floor…

Plugs Life Insurance during Dessert: (cousin) Can we have desserts with alcohol in them next year?

Last, but certainly least,

Worries About All the Things that Could go Wrong: (me): But, by now I am drunk, so cheers!

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