I’ve heard it said that divorce is the easy way out. I disagree, especially when there are children involved. Divorce is something I thought long and hard about. It was not thrown out as a threat, and I didn’t say it out loud until I knew that I meant it and could follow through with it.
I am the first person in my family to get divorced, so there were (and still are) a lot of misconceptions surrounding this event. People wanted concrete reasons as to why we were splitting and there were no easy answers. Some wanted to analyze the whole relationship and point out where mistakes were made. (That information may be useful when we discover time travel.) Many wanted to hear the gory details about how our separation, divorce, and co-parenting were unfurling. Unfortunately for them, my ex and I are rational, level-headed people who do not enjoy bickering or wasting our hard-earned money on attorney fees.
I’ve been separated/divorced for over three years and had never heard of Child-Centered Divorce until a couple of weeks ago when it was brought to my attention that July is National Child-Centered Divorce Month. Without realizing it, my ex-husband and I have been co-parenting our son in the non-combative, amicable way that is recommended in this approach. The goal of the Child-Centered Divorce approach is to make parents aware of the harm that can be done to children when divorce isn’t handled effectively. While some argue that divorce may be the most traumatic experience of a child’s life and has the potential to cause lasting psychological damage, the Child-Centered Divorce professionals believes that it’s the mistakes made by unwitting parents before, during, and after the divorce that causes the harm.
This approach encourages parents to remember their roles and responsibilities toward their children in an attempt to prevent a lot of unnecessary pain and suffering during a difficult time in all of their lives. It fosters the idea that decisions should be based on the emotional security of the children and that long, vicious court battles should be avoided. It calls for the co-parents to work together as allies and not think of each other as enemies. It promotes the idea that our love for our children should override any dislike or conflict we have for the other parent. It’s about doing what’s best for our kids, despite our differences.
This type of co-parenting works only if both parents are committed to working together for the good of the children rather than against one another. This requires them both to be capable of rational behavior and they must have a similar concept of what is best for the children. I’ve heard about messy divorce battles and have witnessed nightmare co-parenting situations. I know that part of the reason why I choose to co-parent the way I do is because I would never want to live a life full of arguments, court dates, and drama. I also know that I am lucky that my ex-husband feels the same way.
I accept that I may have made my son’s life harder by divorcing his father. He now has to grow up in two different households with two very different parents who don’t have to compromise on a daily basis. He doesn’t often have us both together and sometimes feels torn about who he’d rather be with. I could point out that his life might be harder if his father and I were unhappily married and parenting together in the same house. I could also point out that I know some happily married folks whose schedules are so incongruous, that they function more as co-parents than as a married couple. I honestly believe that my ex-husband and I are doing an outstanding job of prioritizing our son’s needs and emotional wellbeing. W is thriving physically and emotionally, and his father and I are bursting with pride and love for him.
Our son is young and we have a long road ahead of us. I know that things will get more complicated as W gets older and as our lives inevitably move forward. This is the same, though, for any child. Parents’ lives and relationships change over the years. Children grow up. We may no longer be a family, but we are all on the same team.
