This picture, man. The movie Up makes me cry every time! Especially the first 20 minutes of the movie where they go from kids to married to a funeral in just a few minutes. I can relate to Ellie’s character in the movie. I do have one child, but I have been suffering from secondary infertility. I’ve been praying for a brother or sister for my daughter.
It’s been 2 years since we began trying for a second child. My first daughter, Ellie (Yes, she is named from the movie Up), just turned 4. We only tried for 3 months for her, so I never, ever, thought it would be this much of a struggle for baby number two. We have had two early miscarriages, and disappointments time and time again.
My husband and I go through the same ritual month after month. I go in the bathroom, take the test, come back out and I hand the test to him. I pace nervously while I try my best to read his face for any type of reaction.
It’s kind of like the movie Groundhog Day. The outcome never changes. This scenario isn’t funny either.
“Well?!” I ask him, because he’s been quiet for a while.
“I’m sorry, honey.” He says with a crack in his voice.
I breakdown. I cry. It’s an ugly cry.
He stands up, wraps his arms around me. I bury my face in his chest. I have an AMAZING husband ladies.
I just don’t understand. I question God and wonder why does this have to happen to me? Why does God give people children who don’t want them? Why does God give people children that don’t love on them? THIS CHILD WILL BE SOOOOO LOVED.
A couple of months ago we decided to head to the doctor to see what could be the problem. They did a physical, lots of blood work and an internal ultrasound on me (Ouch btw, totally not comfortable). The only thing they found out after all of the testing is that I’m pre-diabetic. So, I’ve joined a gym and have been working on my diet. My husband has been doing so, too!
The doctors wanted me to do a special dye test, as well. I found out after I scheduled the procedure that my insurance wouldn’t cover it. It was going to cost almost $1,000 out of pocket. The OBGYN pretty much told us there is nothing else they can do. We chose not to take the referral to the fertility clinic. Insurance does not cover much of it at all.
So now, it’s a waiting game. Every month we go through the same thing. I’m letting go and allowing God at this point and I’m refusing to be miserable all month anymore. I try not to worry, and get anxious as much. When I start feeling the anxiety, I pray. I also have some amazing people around me who listen when need-be.
A few days ago, I literally got on my knees and prayed. I want this SOOOOOO badly. I know many of you out there are going though the same thing. We all have different stories, but we all know the heartache. I’m tired of this being a taboo topic. Mothers, we need support. We need fellow women to lean on and vent to. It’s okay NOT to be okay. It’s okay to cry.
If I hear, “It will happen when it’s meant to,” ONE more time, I’m going to scream. I don’t want to hear that. I just want someone to listen.
I know some of you are not religious and don’t believe in God. But one thing I DO know is that – I can only do so much. I have no idea if/when I will ever have another child. But, I like to believe I will. Life without hope can be so draining. I choose to live with joy.
I am going to leave you with a couple of bible verses that help me get through this season in my life.
“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction and faithful in prayer.” Romans 12.12
“I walk by faith, even when I cannot see.” 2. Corinthians 5.7
“Faith can move mountains.” Matthew 17.20
And a Disney quote!
“Even miracles take a little time.” The Fairy Godmother