A few weeks before the end of school, my ten year old inadvertently revealed her crush. By some crazy stroke of fate, the boy happened to have a younger sister in the same class as our kindergartener. As we sat around the dinner table a few nights after the big reveal, our six year old excitedly informed us that she had shared this juicy bit of information with the sister.
“Isn’t that great?! So now he’ll know! And you don’t have to tell him!”
To say our oldest was mortified would be an understatement. Sobbing, she fixed her sister with a glare filled with loathing.
“I HATE you! I’ll hate you forever!”
Hate is not a word we throw around here. We try to discourage our children from using it at all. They can dislike anything and everything they desire, but hate is such a strong emotion with so many negative connotations. So for one of our kids to direct it at another packs a pretty powerful punch.
Her little sister, who had shared the information with the absolute best of intentions, was devastated.
“Why?! I was helping! I just wanted to help…”
Tears fell freely for quite some time. Eventually, both girls calmed down enough for an apology to be made for this clearly egregious misunderstanding. We explained to our misguided six year old that some information is best left unshared. In trying to help her sister, she actually opened her up for serious humiliation.
It was not so easy, however, to convince our ten year old to forgive. In her eyes, what her sister had done was unforgiveable, and she would never, ever be able to move past the pain (tweenage drama – so much fun!).
For the next two days, we watched our six year old quietly carry the weight of her sister’s anger. Her heart was broken, her bucket was empty.
Gesturing at her chest: “It hurts right here, Mommy. It hurts right here.”
Finally, when it became apparent that the crush had not, in fact been revealed, and no damage to her reputation or social status had been done, our oldest daughter went to her sister and granted the forgiveness that she so badly needed. To see the joy on the face of our repentant daughter, to see the relief cross the face of her older sister, to witness the hug that followed – it was a beautiful thing.
Offering an apology is tough. It is difficult, at times, to admit we were wrong, to take responsibility for our actions. In our house, apologies are mandatory for everyone, myself included. More important than this, however, we encourage our children to forgive. We can not force them to do so, forgiveness is something they must come to in their own time. For two days our girls were both miserable. The peace they found once all was forgiven was apparent, an excellent example of the lesson we try so very hard to impart. Holding onto hurt and anger is good for no one involved. We all make mistakes, we all slip up and, whether intentional or not, those mistakes cause hurt to one another. Our children are encouraged every day to be the bigger person, and to allow each other the chance to heal, to move on.
In the words of Alexander Pope, “To err is human, to forgive divine”. Note he didn’t say “easy”, because it isn’t. But, like many, many difficult things in life, it is most definitely worth it in the end.
