If It Takes a Village, Where’s the Village?

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villageEveryone has heard the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child,” but how many people can actually say they have a village? “It takes a village” suggests that to provide a healthy and caring environment for a child, the community in which you live contributes to providing this environment. This includes immediate family, extended family, and non-family members. The whole community. In my idyllic mind, this means that every person you encounter helps take care of your child. Everyone is invested in the community and even if it is not your child, you genuinely care for this small person and would do just about anything for that child. And the parents allow it. In fact, they welcome any and all the help they can get.

Since becoming a parent, I don’t feel like I have a village. I don’t know if it’s where we live or because we don’t have family in town or if it’s because that’s just not how society is these days or if it’s just me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I don’t have anyone to turn to for help. I have a great group of friends and a very supportive family. But, there still seems to be a sense of nobody wants to step on anyone’s toes when it comes to parenting. It’s as if there’s this grayish boundary line that you teeter on when it comes to interacting with your friend’s or sibling’s kid. Before I had kids, a friend told me that parenting can break up friends and family. I didn’t understand what she was saying until now.  And, sadly, I think it’s true. We balk at anyone who gives advice, even if it’s our own family. I understand typical family tiffs, but I’ve heard people ending relationships with their parents because they didn’t agree on how to raise their children.

We go to the internet for parenting advice. We read books about What to Expect…, sleep training, potty training.   We soak in as much information as we can and think we are armed with everything we need to raise our children to be the best that they can be. If we have a question or are unsure, we Google it. We literally have the answer in our back pocket via our smart phone. But what about the people around us who have been doing this for years and years and years? Our parents, our siblings, our neighbors. Surely they have some wisdom and knowledge to share. But for some reason, we don’t often enough want to hear it.

Outside of family and friends, the community is also part of the village. But that’s where I see the boundary line to be pretty defined and in bright red. We all know as soon as a woman gets pregnant, everyone dishes out advice. But, we complain that it is “unwanted advice.” “It’s none of their business.” The funny thing is, once we have a baby, we are eager to share our experiences and start to dole out advice to the upcoming class of new moms. And then, when they don’t take our advice, we take it personally! We get offended. As if they are literally criticizing our parenting style by not taking our advice. It’s a vicious cycle. Too often I hear and have experienced, “Don’t talk to my child, please. I can handle this.” Or “Thanks, but leave her alone.” Or “Please don’t touch her.”

Please do help me and my children! If you see me chasing my younger daughter and my older daughter needs help, PLEASE help. Without asking. I don’t want someone to apologize for helping my daughter after she’s fallen or intervening during an altercation with another child. I don’t want to see lonely moms walking around Target with babies crying and people glaring instead of offering to help. I don’t want people to roll their eyes at ME when my crazy kid is running all over Blue Manatee during story time. It’s terrible.

I’m sure it’s about changing perspective. Like, I need to change my mentality and believe, “We’re all in this together.” Because I’m guilty of taking things personally or feeling like I shouldn’t say or do something in fear of over stepping my boundaries. I don’t know. How can we have different parenting perspectives, agree to disagree, yet still support one another? While still caring for all of our children together? In a big circle singing Kumbaya? Too much to ask? Or is it just me?

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Lilly Younger
I relocated to Cincinnati in 2010 from Chicago to be with the love of my life. For a good long while I had trouble calling Cincinnati home, but 5 years, a husband, and 2 kids later, I am happy to be a Cincinnatian! I am a proud, tired, loving, tired, creative, tired, and doting stay at home mom to 2 spunky girls, 15 months apart. Prior to having kids, I was an early childhood teacher. It's tough being a teacher mom because I have found there is a difference between teaching and parenting, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I love finding and creating exciting, engaging, and fun activities to do with my girls and hope I can share some of what we do with other families.

2 COMMENTS

  1. Yes! Although I will say there are approaches I appreciate and some I do not, in general I agree with this. And I will always help a child who looks lost, hurt, stuck, etc…even if it gets me yelled at.

  2. This article is spot on! Where is the village? Parenting in the 21st century is no easy feat. Let’s be proactive not reactivate!

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