Welcome to Mommyhood. Here’s your Google

When I was young and interesting, before I had kids, I used Google as a sort of personal assistant. I asked for directions, for the best sales on skinny person clothing, for bestselling fiction, and occasionally I used WebMD to figure out if I should head to the doctor before settling into bed for 14 hours of uninterrupted sleep. I spent years of my life on real estate websites, admiring granite countertops, Rookwood fireplaces, and staircases loaded with character… and not once did I consider the potential for an emergency room visit. I searched for bios of my favorite celebrities and researched current events. Google helped me stay young, hip, connected, entertained and it always told me which wine would go well with dinner.

Then I had kids.

Yesterday, I caught myself typing the following into my search bar: Can Fischer Price dune buggy cause whiplash? Really.

My boys have one of those battery-operated cars that can hit 3 mph going downhill with a good tail wind. But there was my five-year-old, punching the gas in impulsive bursts while his shotgun-riding brother tried to keep his bobble head on his neck. I should have taken video to present to sixteen-year-old Eli when we explain that he won’t be driving a real car until he’s 18. Or maybe 21. As I watched three-year-old Caleb’s head snap back for the third time, I decided to check Google to see if a chiropractic appointment would be necessary. (Short answer: probably not.)

That got me thinking about all the things I search for now that the tiny humans have overtaken my house. There’s the baby searches: Why does my baby grunt in his sleep? Is grunting a sign of reflux? Or sleep apnea? How do I get poop out of clothing? Does spit-up smell ever go away? MY SIX WEEK OLD WON’T SLEEP! (That’s a fun one. Apparently everyone who is blessed with a colicky, non-sleeping child heads straight to the internet. Because the internet is always awake and willing to listen. If you are trying to sell something, market it online as a way to cure colic. You’ll be a millionaire by next month.)

How long can a body go without sleep? (Longer than you think.) Why is my seven month old waking up every two hours??? When should baby sit up? Baby is behind on milestones, is Harvard still an option? And my personal low point: Fussy babies, link to behavioral problems later in life? Only a secondary teacher would search that. (Short answer: no.)

Then there’s illness. No more casually asking if I should go to a doctor for a cold. Now I’m searching under the influence of sleep deprivation and mommy fear. Should I call the doctor for khaki-colored poop? How do I tell the difference between chicken pox and eczema? Common childhood rashes? (Do yourself a favor and skip that one…and the accompanying slide show.) How do I know when to worry about a cough? Does croup steroid make my kid insane? (Yes.) Can a virus cause hives? (Yes.) How to make hives stop itching? (Benadryl) Is expired Benadryl still safe? (No.) How expired is too expired? (Kroger is open 24 hours.) Google gives me just enough information to make a tentative diagnosis, so then I have to search the symptoms to make that I’m right: Symptoms of Hand, Foot and Mouth. Symptoms of Roseola. Symptoms of Influenza. Symptoms of Mad Cow Disease. Symptoms of insanity. Oh, wait.

How did moms know what to feed their kids before the internet? Have kids magically become more difficult to feed, or am I the only mom asking Google what to do with a toddler who will only ingest food that is orange. Now instead of searching for appetizer recipes to take to a party, I’m asking for kid-friendly snack ideas that are gluten-free, dairy-free, locally sourced, and that happen to resemble Disney characters. All while researching whether peanut butter and jelly sandwiches could be causing my three-year-old’s temper tantrums. It certainly is nice to have thousands of free recipes at my fingertips, but the overload makes me want to curl up in fetal position and cry. Or maybe that’s the stress of making dinner while all three kids melt down at my feet. Yeah, that might be it.

I’m not sure how I would’ve survived my first five years of parenting without almighty Google, and I also suspect those five years would have somehow been more peaceful without my ever-present card-catalogue of knowledge. The downside of having the information at my fingertips has perhaps been more worry and fear. After all, everyone knows what you discover every time you Google your symptoms. Maybe not knowing is the key to sanity. I resent technology’s slow creep into my life, but, I’m not sure how to quit it. What will I do when I get up tomorrow and my five-year-old no longer likes bananas and toast for breakfast? I mean, I suppose I could use an actual cookbook, but nah. I’ll just Google it.