The Power of a Shower

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showerI need a shower. I’d love a long hot bath, but I’d settle for a shower – a solo shower. Lately, a mommy shower entails putting my head under the faucet to wash my hair and then jumping in for a quick rinse while baby plays with Mommy’s fem care products or throws 356,567 Q-tips all over the floor. Mommy shower option #2 is when baby is bathing and mommy quickly shares the tub.

A mommy meltdown ensues when I’ve gone too long without a shower. Cue Thursday morning.

I’m standing there watching my child crawl around with a poopy diaper because I just changed a poopy diaper an hour ago, and it’s not even 8am, and I just need a minute to regain my composure before doing it…again. The kid poops like 3 times a day. 3 times a day. Every day. Usually before Dad gets home. I haven’t brushed my teeth or washed my face yet. My hair is filthy and I’m honestly not sure when it was brushed last. Half the night before was spent sleeping in the blue recliner with baby in arms. Dear molars, any time you’d like to make your pearly white appearance, we’ve got a Hello Kitty toothbrush ready and waiting.

I’m standing there, tears welling up, and there it is. The meltdown hits me.

It’s the realization that you’re not the mom you wanted to be or thought you’d be. It’s packing away that one cute pink cloth diaper cover you got and never used but don’t have the heart to get rid of because, maybe next time, when you know next time isn’t going to happen either but getting rid of it admits your defeat. It’s feeling defeat that you wanted to be that crunchy mama who cloth diapered and breastfed and attachment-parented, but you aren’t.

It’s thinking back to when you gave up breastfeeding because it was too damn hard and you felt like you were losing your mind and when the doctor said your baby has lost too much weight you should consider supplementing you were both secretly relieved and also devastated. You knew that journey and bond was going to end because you and your “flat” nipples just weren’t strong enough to endure the sleepless nights and constant feeding that amounted to little nourishment. All the while, nearly everyone else around you managed.

It’s the realization that the loneliness is a real and true struggle. Staying home to care for a child is a blessing. It’s also isolating and overwhelming. It’s rare you hear this truth. It’s like we all become the stranger in the grocery checkout line…”How are you today?”… “Good, you?”…”Good.” We respond this way regardless of how we are feeling. We do this when asked about motherhood too. “How’s it going with the new baby?”…”It’s great!” We don’t reveal the tears and the heartache and the 2 ton wrench that gets thrown into a marriage.

But, as I’m still standing there, she toddles over with her Winnie-the-Pooh ball and smiles at me and washes the failure away, for a time. When she smiles, it’s quite literally impossible not to smile back. She’s the sunshine in my rainy, cloudy mind. She’s the sweetest, most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

Knowing that half of these thoughts of failure are stewing just because I need a shower, I go upstairs and put baby in the tub and opt for mommy shower option #2. And then, all is right in the world again.

Amazing what a shower can do.


 

Cincinnati Moms Blog offers a special thank you to today’s guest blogger, LeAnn Gardner.
LGardnerLeAnn’s Bio: LeAnn is a Cincinnati native and SCPA and University of Cincinnati alum. Since the birth of her daughter Sophia (13 months), motherhood has taken over as her main ‘job’ but she also works part-time from home administrating online research communities, between diaper changes and games of peek-a-boo. She loves the arts, nature, all things Fall, her husband’s amazing cooking, and cuddling her little one. Her life goals include writing a children’s book series, traveling the world with her daughter and husband, and living by the Golden Rule.

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