Recently, while hiking, I had a moment of panic when while looking out at a pretty waterfall, I glanced down to see my 6 year old daughter with her one leg through the fence railing in the beginning efforts of climbing through toward the vegetation and rocks just beneath us. Of course, I reacted and sternly told her to put her feet back on the overlook deck where they belonged. She complied, but then looked at me confused and said… “But, they went down there.”
“They” would be a group of three young adults who had in fact climbed through the railing and were working their way over the rocks towards the upper edge of the waterfall. (Full disclosure: I am guilty of this same activity as a young invincible teenager and the mom I am today cringes at the risks I took with my own life.)
At that particular moment, I turned towards my daughter and I began the frustrating and complicated conversation about how rules are there for a reason… mostly to keep us safe. And that people sometimes chose to ignore the rules and go where they weren’t supposed to go or do something they aren’t supposed to do. I tried to explain that people sometimes make choices that they should not make and that I expected her to be a better person, to be respectful, to be smarter.
This is an extreme example. Obviously, I don’t want my 6 year old climbing out onto the top of a waterfall. I think many people can agree that disregarding the rule put in place by the park barriers is risky and unnecessary. But, what about when the rules are arguably more innocuous?
A little while back, my girls and I were enjoying a cold winter weekend at a local recreational outlet/bouncy house place. The place was busy and my girls were being super patient as they waited their turn on the trampolines in accordance to the “3 jumper maximum” signage that was very clearly posted on every single one. Eventually, my girls climbed up and happily started bouncing. Shortly after, a very large group of adults and their kids crashed our party. Not only were there 3 adults and several children in the trampoline next to ours, but four bigger kids also climbed into ours. (I also don’t understand why grown people feel the need to monopolize play equipment when kids are waiting to use it, but that is another issue all together.) At this point, with my girls much younger than they are now, at 3 & 4, I had them get out and redirected them to a swing set nearby. My ever observant oldest child, while cooperative with my directive, didn’t let it go without question. “Why did we have to get out?”, she asked and “There are more than 3 people in that other trampoline.”, she stated.
I did my best in the moment to put into words appropriate for her little mind the same points I mentioned above. I believe it is important to respect the rules of the business which were put into place for our safety. I cannot control other people’s actions, even when those actions are disrespectful and inconsiderate.
I can cite situation after situation like the ones I talk about above. Even something as simple as “Joey’s” mom letting him do XYZ when I don’t let my kids do XYZ can be frustrating. So what are parents supposed to do when the actions of other adults go against what we are trying to teach? Here is the best I have been able to come up with so far:
- I have learned to be consistent in MY message and MY expectations.
- I strive to be a good role model for my children. My actions are their biggest teacher.
- As frustrating as it can be… ultimately I try to live by the mantra “you do you”. I always use these moments as an educational opportunity for point one above, but I can’t control other people.
- I work to set my kids up for success. If I can anticipate that there might be behavioral “temptations”, I lay the ground rules ahead of time and am very clear in my expectations regarding their behaviors.
- And finally, I give positive reinforcement when I notice they made a good choice or decision in the moment.
I still get frustrated (and there is likely some eye-rolling involved) when I find myself in situations like the ones I mentioned above, but I am hopeful that in their adult future, it won’t be my children who are forcing these kinds of conversations onto other parents.
