Perspectives in Parenting: I Don’t Make My Kids Share {Series}

I want my children to grow up to be kind, compassionate individuals.  I want my children to care deeply about others.  I want my children to feel like they should make a positive difference in the lives of those around them.

I don’t think that forcing kids to share will achieve these goals.

Before you write me off as nutso, hear me out!

Even though I don’t make my son (or anyone else’s kid) share doesn’t mean I don’t encourage him to be kind and thoughtful of others.  When a friend of his wants something he has, the interaction goes something like this (picture me using my best Daniel Tiger’s Mom’s voice):

Milo: “No!  It’s mine!”
Me: “Milo, your friend really wants to play with that toy.  When you are finished playing with it, please give it to her.”
Milo: “Okay.”

And yes, he does give it to his friend when he’s done, even if I have to remind him.  The same expectations are set when the situation is reversed.

Milo: “But I want to play with that!”
Me: “Your friend is playing with that right now. You can play with it when she is finished.”

Sometimes this conversation takes a little longer, but you get the idea.  Now that Milo is approaching 4, I also throw in,

“If you guys can find a way to play together, that would be great!  If not, find something else to play with while you wait.”

No, it’s not always perfect, but I have been consistent about this since Milo was basically born so he knows the drill.

There are a few reasons why I strongly believe and advocate for this approach.  First, and most importantly, my child is not the center of the universe!  The sooner he learns that other people’s wants and needs matter, the more compassionate and kind I think he will be.  Along the same lines, life isn’t fair!  My son will learn that he doesn’t always get what he wants when he wants it, and he will experience the feelings of disappointment that come along with that. If I allow him to have those experiences while he is young, he will develop the coping skills he needs to deal with those feelings. Shielding him from unpleasantness won’t do him any favors in this case.

I also believe that we should not interrupt a child’s play just for the sake of sharing. I’ve spent a lot of energy encouraging my boisterous child to focus and develop his attention span, and I bet his friends’ parents have too. I think asking a child to wait until someone else is done reinforces these concepts. Furthermore, when forced sharing occurs, I think both children become too engulfed in their emotions to really learn the lessons we are hoping to teach them. The one who gets the toy gets instant gratification and moves on quickly. The one who gives up the toy is often too upset at losing the toy to understand that they should care about the other child’s feelings.

Do I judge others for forcing their kids to share? No. Do I undermine my mom friends when they make their kids share? No. We are all doing the best we can, and this is my best.