Parenting the Passionate Child

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My children could not be more different. My oldest is a sweet, snugly, rule follower. My youngest, (also sweet and snugly), is loud, rough and stubborn. I often get reminders of this in car-line at preschool when I pick the girls up and there is yet another comment about how Meredith challenged her teacher or had to take a break for not listening.

She is passionate about all things in life.

This is how I often describe my youngest daughter.  Don’t get me wrong… I love my children with the same intensity, but parenting them is a very different experience. One is not better than the other and they both have their ongoing challenges, (Nora is currently lying on the kitchen floor whining because I am telling her she has to make a healthy choice for her breakfast.) But, Meredith… oh Meredith.

She is fierce in her love. She is also fierce in her fight.

Many of you have probably heard about the dreaded “threenager”. I am a believer in this term as three was challenging with Nora and it is with Meredith as well. (For those of you enduring the threes… I will tell you, four is delightful!) However, I know that while some of the tantrums and boundary limit testing with Meredith are because she is three, I also know that some of it is just her personality. When she commits to something, whether that is a hug or a tantrum, she gives it everything her little body and emotions can throw at it (pun intended).

As a parent, I feel a bit more out of my element with her and I continually stress about whether or not I am handling things like discipline, encouragement, and even simple lessons about behavioral expectations the best way I should be. We loosely follow the discipline plan laid out in the book 123 Magic and I love the simplicity of the approach. It worked very well with my Nora. Meredith on the other hand…

This conversation happened the other day after she threw a tantrum (and a train conductor hat):

Me: Now, you will sit in time out.
Meredith: This isn’t time out! This is just SITTING ON THE FLOOR!

Sigh.

I have tried having simple quiet conversations with her in which I ask why she got so mad about whatever it was in that moment, and we troubleshoot some different choices she could have made. While I do feel like this is more successful than “time out” for the smaller infractions, it is not a catch-all fix. We talk daily about being “good friends” and “good listeners”. I affirm her when she is behaving well. None of it really seems to make a significant difference… at least in the short term. I can only hope it will in the long run.

Choose your battles.

Simple, right? I do believe there is a lot of value to these parenting words of wisdom. However, as much as I do subscribe to this belief, I am finding that with the more passionate child this isn’t always so black and white. For example, my oldest almost 100% chooses to wear dresses, but she will allow me to force her into the dreaded pants on the occasions that I deem dresses are absolutely not appropriate (playing in the snow for example). In exchange, she gets to wear dresses the rest of the time. It is our unspoken agreement. Choose your battles… I push the pants when I feel it is truly important. With my youngest, it is not as simple as she resists and digs in her heels consistently about two-thirds of her little life. And obviously, letting her run her own life to that extent is not an option for a three-year-old, who would still run in front of a moving car in a parking lot. So, it becomes more difficult to choose the battle when it feels like everything is one.

DSC_3060I also struggle with honoring my child. I have zero desire to snuff out the passion I see in my youngest. I know she can be challenging and I know she requires more parental energy (and teacher energy and grandparent energy…), but what makes her complex in this way also makes her Meredith. As I mentioned above, this passion isn’t just about negative behaviors, it is also intertwined with her positive ones. She loves with intensity and hugs with strength. She smiles and talks about life like it is amazing. She is infectious. She is one of those kids that draws in people with a smile and a simple “I love you.” A stranger once gave her $100 while we were out at dinner simply because of this magnetism. It is what makes her so uniquely Meredith.

So while I readily admit that there are days that I want to sit and cry because I feel like I have no idea how to effectively parent her, I also admire her. She has conviction and emotions that she is not afraid to use. She makes me laugh and keeps me on my toes. When she hugs me she has to touch my face in some way. She is my heart and without her, I would not be complete.  So, I will continue to work on being a parent to my passionate child and hope beyond hope that I can do good by her.  After all, that is MY responsibility.  MY privilege.  And MY blessing as her mother.

I would love to hear from other parents of passionate children. How do you approach discipline? What has worked and what hasn’t? How do you honor the child, while still addressing the behaviors?

6 COMMENTS

  1. Perfectly stated. I can totally relate to just about every word. (Except sub in boys, 7 and almost 3 years) My almost threenanger (a word I will now use in my daily vocabulary) is very “passionate” as well, with throwing and screaming, too.
    An article like this lets me know I’m not alone. It’s reassuring to know I’m not failing because I haven’t figured out one specific way to control/reason with/calm my strong willed little boy.

  2. I do so know all too well the passionate child. I have a VERY strong willed and highly passionate boy at four and a half. He changes his name on a daily basis.. his first is always there but his middle changes depending on who is his hero that day. If you aren’t savvy on the name of the day you will KNOW when you say it wrong. I let him have that, because ultimately, who cares. He knows his name, and it’s okay to let him take on the name of his Grandfather or his cousin or even his father if he decides to for an hour in a day.

    As for discipline, we do the ‘talk it out’ method the most. I find that calming him down enough .. because he does still tantrum but more out of frustration than anything else.. to know what is wrong has really helped us address things. He hates not being able to do things. He hates being wrong. He wants so desperately to be an adult and to be big and to be able to conquer the world he is crushed when he is reminded that is he still small. Timeout is for big things. Disrespect, hitting (which hasn’t happened in forever), and things like that. For the most part the talk it out method is perfect.

    Choose your battles is a major major necessity. Potty training has been the bane of my existence since he was two. We’ve done number one, and number two is still in the works because you can’t tell him to go, he won’t. He will hold it. So we coax and reward, and make light of the big things he accomplishes. He doesn’t care about clothes thank goodness, but we do redirect him when we need him not to do something. Like helping install a light fixture. Why no.. no you cannot stick your screwdriver into the hole, but if you would like to that styrofoam looks likes it REALLY needs some attention.

    The thing I love most about my son is his passion for life. He’s all or nothing, and that’s not something you can learn. He loves so passionately and is crushed when things or people hurt his feelings. He is so sensitive and I love that he can be so strong and so soft at the same time. He is a challenge but one I love every day.

  3. Oh my word I shed some tears here! My life and thoughts and feelings exactly! My son is about to be 6, my Lily, who is to a T just like your Merideth, is about to be 3. Pray for me. They share a birthday actually. Jack is calm, deep, sweet, empathetic and a rule follower. Lily is fierce, fiesty, spunky, sassy, HILARIOUS, adorable, SWEET, loving, affectionate, dramatic and a smidge cray cray. Lol! Parenting her is EXHAUSTING. But I wouldn’t change a thing about her. I know that this girl will take life by the horns and tell IT what to do. No worries about anyone taking advantage of her, just about making it through our teenage years without me needing serious wrinkle and gray hair repair :)) Well written. Spot on. Thank you!

  4. My son is 6 and I swear there is an argument for everything we ask of him. He even sees a therapist who he constantly stumps when we try to come up with solutions for his behavior. It is an ongoing, constant struggle. Not to mention, he argues with a vocabulary better than most adults I know. But with the same passion for arguing comes a passion for learning, LEGOS, and anything involving super heroes or Star Wars. There are days where I can’t understand where I went wrong to raise someone who can have so much anger within a matter of seconds. This morning he was pissed because he had a bad case of bedhead and it would just not go down and he decided he couldn’t go to school like that. Seriously? Then there are the moments where I put him to bed and he wants to read me stories and I am amazed that he’s come so far after just a couple of months in kindergarten. Every day it feels like I’m walking on eggshells, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

  5. Hello. I know this is a bit old topic for you. However, We are happy that we are not alone with our 3yo very passionate son. Especially, he is acting just as Christi and Amie experienced with their children. He is a really quick learner and building creative stuffs with lego. On the other hand he is obsessed to be a winner and has a huge anger problem. We convinced him not to hit his friends, yet he stomps his feet on the ground and sometimes hits himself.. While he is not angry, he kisses a lot and says I love you Mommy.. He wants to play with the other kids, but he sticks other children, hold and pull their hands.. We are talking a lot, trying to convince him but he is so distracted. I would be glad if you can share how your experiences developed since last 6 years. Thanks.

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