Mom Strong: Honoring Our Strengths as Mothers {Series}

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It is really easy to think of things we wish we could/would/should do better as mothers. However, sadly, it is much harder to think of things that we do really well as mothers. And it’s even more difficult to elaborate on those strengths. Each of us can point out the amazing things we see others do, but often struggle to turn this same positive reflection on ourselves. Here at CMB, we have challenged our team to write about something they think they do well as a mother. We hope you enjoy reading along as we take this journey and hope you do some positive self-reflection on your own mothering strengths as well.

MomStrongI think being a parent causes me to question myself about a lot of things. What if I’m pushing them to do too much and totally stressing out my kids? What if I’m letting them be slackers, and they’ll live in my basement forever? What if I’m damaging their precious bodies with the artificial coloring in all that mac-n-cheese? What if I’m giving them food issues with my incessant talk of whole foods?

My kids don’t exactly do a lot to calm these worries. I’ve noticed that as soon as I start feeling like I have some things figured out, that maybe I really have this mom stuff down, they change things up. Again. Like my nearly-adolescent, generally super-compliant child, who decided to be openly defiant this week and rock my world. Thanks for that, kiddo. Still, I’m sticking with what I know I’m good at—being consistent in teaching our values.

When my son was about 15 months old, I started to use timeouts for discipline. Despite grandparents, aunts, uncles, and nosy old ladies at the grocery store who were convinced that time outs surely lead to disrespectful, bratty children, I consistently placed my child on our designated time out spot and said and “NO hitting/biting/throwing/etc.” for the minutes equal to his age. Some days, it felt like all we did was timeout. Eighteen times throwing your mega block across the room? Eighteen times on the timeout step. Eighteen stern “NO THROWING” reminders.

Some days I would place him in timeout yet again only to turn away in tears, thinking I was clearly failing at this parenting thing and could not imagine doing one single more timeout. Some days, some well meaning person would say, “A swat on the butt would solve that a lot faster.” Some days, I desperately wanted to ignore him just this once so I could finish a conversation on the phone with my friend.

What I realized though, is that I don’t just want to teach my kids to do what I say. Being consistent about the timeouts certainly helped the messages about acceptable behavior sink in, but more importantly, I wanted the lessons to sink in. Some things I want them to experience so often that by the time they are adults, it’s just part of who they are. I don’t mind if they someday question me, how they were raised, or the way we do things at our house. In fact, I hope they do. But I also hope that they find the value and truth in the lessons I’m trying to teach them every day. These are different for every family of course. For us, respect, kindness, learning, and personal responsibility are top priorities. I may not say that out loud to my children often, but it is seeping into them through repetition—repetition of what I say, what I do, and how I react to what they do.

So, eighteen timeouts for throwing a block at Mommy’s head isn’t just about following a rule. I want my kids to know that when someone says, “Stop it. That hurts,” they need to stop it. Even if you’re two years old, and it’s your mom who will love you anyway. Even if you’re twelve, and you’re wrestling with your brother who wants you to get off him. Even if you’re twenty-two, and it’s your girlfriend who wants you to stop what you’re doing at a really inconvenient time. I know, when my teens get ready to date, we’re still going to have a talk. In fact, several talks. But I feel a teeny bit better knowing, in the back of their mind, they believe that that people say what they mean, that no means no, and that it’s not up for debate, discussion, or interpretation when someone says, “Stop it.” Because their mom showed them that was true every day.

With older kids, consistency and consequences look different now. I only wish it were as simple as a timeout spot. Yet, when I feel stuck and unsure of what to do, I try to step back and think about what we’ve been doing all along. All along, the message in our house has been that if you decide to be unkind or disrespectful to others, you don’t get to spend your time the way you would like to. Instead of a timeout, that may mean doing chores, losing the option to play Minecraft, or missing out on a fun event. Isn’t this true in the real world? Disrespect someone’s property or personal space, and you do not get to spend your time as you want. Instead you will be in court, doing community service, or even in prison. I want them to learn this lesson from me now so that they never need to learn it in the real world.

All along, I have tried to reinforce what I want them to know about themselves as well. I want them to know 1) they choose their action, 2) some choices are better than others, and 3) what they choose to do determines whether the consequences are good or bad. What I do not want them to learn is that 1) they are bad, 2) Mom and Dad control their choices, and 3) they can never predict if the consequences of their behavior will be good or bad. This guides my choices. Sometimes it requires me to calm down, take a break, and think for a while before deciding on a consequence or course of action. I don’t mind telling them that’s what I’m doing. It’s a good model for how I want them to make choices too.

The old saying goes, “Begin as you intend to continue.” In this strange new world of big kids, where everything is suddenly new all over to me again, I keep reminding myself to “Continue as I began.” Instead of freaking out (as part of my brain keeps telling me to do), making new rules, or trying creative consequences I find on Pinterest, I remind myself to keep on keeping on. Respect. Kindness. Learning. Simple, direct, logical consequences. Your choices determine the outcome. It’s all I can feel good about doing. It’s all that I truly believe will get us to where we want to go.

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Tara Limoco
Cincinnati has been my home since graduating from college, and thanks to all the friends I have made here, I am happy to now call it home. I am Mom to three teenagers so life is never boring at our house. While we homeschooled for several years, we are slowly aging out of that adventure and into the new territory of dating, driving, college applications and who knows what next! When my mom hat isn't on, I squeeze in a few of my other loves–exploring our city, crafting, reading, kayaking, hiking, gardening, traveling, and teaching people to take good care of their skin through my Mary Kay business. Oh, and of course writing!

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