It took three years of in depth treatments for infertility to get to my take home baby. I am not counting the years of trying to conceive prior to diagnosis and treatment even though I suppose those years were not insignificant. The meat of the journey however, took three years.
Three years is a long time, but I consider myself lucky. There are many for whom it takes much, much longer to get to that happy ending. To those of you who are still in your journey, I am thinking of you and wishing you that take home baby you so desperately desire.
Initially pregnant with twins, I ultimately miscarried one of the babies around 11 weeks. I was lucky, in that my OB indulged me throughout the pregnancy and allowed me a few additional ultrasounds to ease my anxiety after the miscarriage. Even so, I spent the duration of my pregnancy on a roller coaster ride of anxiety and elation.
- I did not experience morning sickness… anxiety. (When you battle infertility and miscarriage, you feel sheer panic when you do not experience the “usual” symptoms. In hindsight I am grateful, but at the time, I would have given anything to feel nauseous.)
- The first time I felt a little kick… elation.
- Learning my baby had a two vessel cord, which can cause low growth rates in utero… anxiety.
- Seeing the 4D ultrasound picture and learning everything else looked healthy… elation.
- Learning we were having a girl… elation.
- Hearing my husband’s favorite girl name suggestions… anxiety.
- Learning our daughter was on track to be well over 8 lbs at birth… anxiety.
- Realizing that meant the two vessel cord was not a concern anymore… elation.
- Seeing a full head of hair on her head on the ultrasound… elation.
- Feeling the kicks and rolls… contentment.
- Becoming uncomfortable and huge… grateful.
We were induced at 39 weeks due to the size of our little girl. My sweet Nora was born (weighing in at 9lbs, 9oz) and I cried uncontrollable happy tears. About 8 months later, we decided to go ahead and start the process again because, after all, it took three years the first time. We had frozen embryos this time, so the process was not quite as brutal on me physically. The first transfer took and 17 months after the birth of Nora, Meredith joined our family.
I count my blessings every single day. There was a time, I didn’t think I would ever get to meet my take home babies… A time, when medications and doctors appointments ruled my life. I don’t know what I did to earn the right to be Mom to these two equally amazing, but crazy different kids, but I say prayers of thanks daily. (Of course, this doesn’t mean I don’t feel the typical motherhood frustrations the same as everyone else!)
To those of you who are just starting out or feeling consumed by all the worry and fear that comes with infertility, if you take anything from this story, I pray it is hope. I struggled to stay hopeful when I was going through my treatments, but no matter how hard it was on my physically and emotionally, it got me here. It made me a mom. I have hope that your journey will too.