How to Escape a Twin Nursing Pillow (When Both Babies Have Fallen Asleep)

Sure, it’s a niche problem. But, if it is YOUR problem, you dear soul, relax. I am here to help.

Let’s start with the basics. This is what a twin nursing pillow looks like:

When I was nursing newborn twins, I looked just like that. Only, you know, with a little bit of this mixed in:

Ahem. Anyway. They’re handy as heck, those pillows, if you want to feed more than one very tiny human from your boobs.

Also, if you know anything about newborns, you know that:

1. They sleep somewhat erratically
2. When awake, they tend to be somewhat loud and needy
3. They like to fall asleep with your boobs in their mouth. Sometimes, it’s the ONLY WAY they’ll fall asleep.
4. If they’re asleep, you do not under any circumstances for the love of all that is holy ever ever ever want to wake them up.*

If you know anything about nursing babies, you know that it’s made of 700 types of magic, but also, it renders you famished. Woman, you’re nursing twins. You want to eat a horse and drink the Nile, and then some.

So there you are. Trapped under a gigantic upholstered letter C, on which not one, but TWO miniature human time-bombs are precariously perched. And you, my friend, you need a sandwich. But how? HOW CAN YOU ESCAPE? Strategy, Houdini, is your only option.

Step 1.) Identify the twin who is sleeping less soundly.

Step 2.) Give up on this baby. That’s right. There is no way to get out and keep both babies asleep. It’s okay, sister, we’ll get back to her. In the meantime, your focus is speed.

Step 3.) Detach yourself from The Restless Sleeper as efficiently as possible, and slip her quickly onto the couch beside you. You have bigger fish to fry, and approximately 20 seconds before she starts screaming like a maniac and wakes up her more-soundly sleeping sister.

Step 3.) Stand, freeing yourself from the pillow and strike like a cobra at the sleepier baby, using every trick at your disposal. Shush in her ear, swaddle her as quickly as humanly possible, and get her into some kind of baby holder – crib, swing, bouncy seat, whatever works. You’re free!!!!

Step 4:) Pick up the now angry, first baby, and pop her into some kind of baby carrier. She’ll conk back out, eventually. After all, she was just asleep.

Setp 5.) Go get yourself that sandwich. You, sister friend, deserve it. Try not to drip mustard on your baby’s head.

*I’m not your doctor. If your doctor told you to wake up your baby, go nuts.