I’ve had a couple of mommy freak out moments recently. One when my kid was touched by another kid in a way that was not OK with my kid and another instance where one of my kids touched another kid in a way that was probably unwelcome. Don’t be alarmed—neither situation was abusive or criminal in any way. Still, both instances did make me panic that I hadn’t been doing enough to teach them about consent, that WE NEED TO HAVE A TALK RIGHT NOW!!
What do I mean by consent? Consent simply means permission. Do you have permission to touch another person, or do you give permission for another person to touch you? With the teen years nearly upon us, this might sound like it’s all about sex. Not at all. It is important to teach kids some rules about their body as soon as they are able to understand. Long before the adolescence, dating, or sexual exploration, kids need to be able ask if it’s okay to be physical with another person. And to be comfortable giving or refusing permission for someone to touch them too.
After I took a couple of deep breaths (and maybe had a glass of wine), I realized that we do not have to have a big, uncomfortable conversation RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE. In fact, we have been having this conversation over and over since they were toddlers. I realized that I’ve been teaching them the same rules all along. It’s just that it’s time to revisit those lessons, to talk about how the same rules apply to the situations they find themselves in now. It won’t be the last time we have this same talk either. We will need to talk again and again as they reach new social milestones like school dances, driving, dating, and college.
This sounds way harder and more complicated than it is. So, here are the things I teach my kids about consent, about giving or getting permission to touch another person.
Ask. Do you wanna wrestle? Can I give you a hug? Is this OK? When you’re five years old and you want to play ninjas with your brother, you don’t just come up behind him and start wailing on him. You ask, right? “Do you want to play Ninjas?” Just like I gave my kids the words when they were little and we practiced saying them, so too do I need to give them the words to say now and practice because without knowing what to say, my child will most likely stay silent. They need to know that it isn’t weird to ask if you can hold a girl’s hand, not any more weird than asking your brother if he wants to play ninjas. So, what do you say when you want to tickle someone? What do you say when you want to kiss someone? Help them figure it out.
Look for clues besides words. When your brother said he wanted to wrestle but is now crying, you are smart enough to figure out he’s not happy about playing that way anymore. So, stop. If your boyfriend says it’s ok to touch him but his face doesn’t look happy about, you are smart enough to know that he doesn’t like it any more. You need to do more talking before doing any more touching or just stop all together. So, stop. It’s the same rule—little kid or big kid.
When there are mixed signals, just stop. Your sister may like you sitting on top of her and tickling her, and it may even look like she likes it since she’s laughing. But if she’s screaming “NO! NO! STOOOOOP!” then stop anyway and check in. If you still aren’t sure, save yourself from trouble and just stop. Someday in a dorm room or a car, a boy or girl will be saying, “No, stop,” and it’s going to be confusing just like that. It looks like everyone is having fun, but it’s your job—yes , YOU—to stop, check in, clarify before continuing. And if there’s any confusion, just stop.
Be clear and firm in giving or refusing to give your consent. Even though they should, not everyone will know or follow the rules you do. Not everyone is going to ask your permission before they touch you, and you need to be clear if that’s ok with you or not. A shrug, a smile, a frown, a giggle, pushing a hand away are not clear indicators of what you want. Say something—Don’t touch me there. I don’t want a hug. No, that’s not OK. Yes, you can do that. That was nice. That’s OK.
And a rule for us, the adults…
Respect their boundaries. Even little kids have a right to say no to physical play or affection that is unwelcome. We are very affectionate in my family. We hug, kiss, snuggle, hold hands. No, we don’t walk around asking each other if that’s okay before we do it, at least not all the time. But I do try to model appropriate behavior by asking when I suspect that a touch might not be welcome. Take last night for example. Someone got in a little trouble right before bedtime and was still steaming when I went to tuck him in. Instead of launching into the usual hug/kiss/snuggle routine, we talked a bit, and then I asked, “Hugs?” Nope. He was still mad. Didn’t want a hug, kiss, or snuggle. Okay. I told him goodnight and that I loved him and that was that. Just because something is usually okay, doesn’t make it always okay. See rule #1 (Ask.) and rule #2 (Look for clues). If they are used to seeing that in action, then it won’t be a stretch to remind them that’s how to treat other people as well.
Talking about consent with kids seems so much less daunting when I realize I’ve been having this ongoing conversation with them for years. Still, that doesn’t mean we get to stop having the conversation now. It is one of those lessons—like most important lessons, actually—that needs revisited, updated, clarified, and practiced at new ages, in new situations, with new understanding as they grow.
