Dear Mom who has never known loss,
I know you see the pink and blue ribbons.
I know you like my posts and even comment on my pictures.
I know you feel bad.
I know you say you “could never handle what I have been through”.
Even though we have gotten to a place where baby loss is less taboo. It is still not a place where the pain is any less. It may be okay for me to post pictures acknowledging my loss, but it doesn’t mean that you or anyone else has to be comfortable with it.
If you haven’t had a loss you don’t understand. You will not understand. You are lucky to live in a bubble of a world where this pain does not exist. When you have lost a baby you have lost a piece of yourself. You lose faith in your body and in your abilities. The grief is not only for this child, but for all of the things they would have become.
Not only is there a loss of a child, but a loss of a sense of security. From now until forever that fear is there.
Before loss you pee on a stick and see two lines you feel happiness, not fear. When you wait for ultrasound appointments and heartbeat checks they are with excitement, not anxiety. When you give birth you plan on doing all of the amazing baby things you have ever dreamed of doing. You don’t leave your car seat behind in fear of not needing it again. How you live is how it should be.
But, this is not how it is for us. For those who have lost a baby we live with fear. Each step is taken with hope for the best and fear for the worst. This fear does not end with pregnancy. It becomes a part of who we are. We are no longer in the bubble. The burst of grief has left that carefree person behind. Even in our happiness, even in our best days. There is a hole. There is something missing- someone missing. I know you may never understand, but loss has made us.
So when you like my pictures and you post quotes on my page, remember loss doesn’t end with the act itself. Loss of a child lives on in each of us forever.