Dear Dads: 9 Reasons Your Wife Doesn’t Want to Have Sex Tonight

1

CMBAfterDarkSeries

In this series, the CMB team will be getting real, getting honest and getting personal about all things sex. We hope that you will be able to relate to some of what we write, maybe learn from it and hopefully laugh a little along the way!


I can’t speak for everyone on this topic. I wouldn’t even try. I know there are plenty of moms out there who are happy to be getting busy with their husbands on a very regular basis. Even so, with years of play date chats, mom’s night out gossip, carpool line rants, and kitchen commiserating, I have heard a lot of talk from moms about why we just don’t wanna. I mean, we used to like it. Sex is fun, right? Right. So, what gives? And what can you (a dad who is frustrated or a mom who wants her groove back) do about it?

By the way, these aren’t the serious, medical reasons for low libido. If you suspect that’s a problem for you or your spouse, talk to a doctor. Not to say that both things can’t be going on at once. The things I’m about to tell you all have to do with being kind, considerate, and thoughtful, so it couldn’t hurt to give them a little more attention either way.

  1. Someone has been touching her all daggone day. Those sweet little babies who need fed, held, snuggled, and rocked aren’t the only ones touching us all day long. Toddlers who need reassurance, school-aged kids who need comforting after a tough day, bedtime stories requiring mama’s lap–it’s all physically demanding. There are days that it seems we’ve been giving physical comfort, if not actual sustenance, to those little people nonstop. Depending on the ages of your children, some of this is unavoidable, but dads can certainly help out. Bedtime routines are a great place to give mom some relief from the physical demands of parenting. Plus, that would also be a great time for her to relax with a hot bath (Who am I kidding? Maybe a shower.) and a glass of wine or tea, which couldn’t hurt either.
  2. She hasn’t had enough sleep in forever. Sleep deprivation is no joke. I know, you’re a sound sleeper. Guess what–she was once too. I know, you have to get up and work tomorrow. Guess what–she does too, whether that’s outside of your house or inside of your house. I know–she can take care of the middle-of-the-night issues more quickly, more effectively, more skillfully than you can. Guess what–with some practice, you’ll be great at it. And then maybe she can catch enough rest to not be passed out cold by the time you finish reading a story and snuggling the kids to sleep.
  3. She hasn’t had any time alone in forever. Someone always needs something from her. A drink, a snack, a butt wiped, a snuggle, a bandaid, a book read, a toy found….and now you want WHAT? Sometimes, a mom just needs time to sit in the quiet with no one asking her for anything. Or even just looking at her like they might want something. I realize this is a tough thing to know–how much time a person might want to themselves, and in the thick of raising kids, it’s even harder to make sure we each get what we need. All I suggest is that you try. Ask her if it would be helpful if you took the kids out for the afternoon, or if she’s like to stay home while you take the kids visit your parents for the weekend, or if she’s like to go to a movie by herself. It might take some time for her to take you up on an offer like that if she is used to being the one taking care of everything. Keep asking. She will say yes eventually, and it will do her and your sex life a world of good.
  4. The two of you haven’t had a conversation about anything except kids or money in…well, forever. I know–every single article on marriage advice tells you to have a regular date night. I’m going to tell you the same thing. I’m going to go a little further and say that your date night needs to include some conversation unrelated to kids or money. Those are not fun. You need to have some fun. She needs to have fun. Both of you need to have fun together. Gossip about your friends. Tell her about the person who got fired for streaming porn at work. Reminisce about that time in college you drunk dialed the pizza place to see if they’d deliver ice. Anything but the same old stuff she’s been worrying about day in and day out. Remind her how fun you are even with your clothes on.
  5. No one asked how her day was or really listened when she told them about it. We know, you’re work is  hard. Your job is frustrating. The people are driving you crazy. The boss is unreasonable. It’s fascinating. Truly. But if you want us to feel loved, show some interest in how we’re spending our day too, whether that’s with a bunch of little people or with a bunch of big people acting like little people. Ask questions and listen enough so that you can respond with something more meaningful than nodding.
  6. You’re acting like a 12-year-old. Coming up behind her while she’s washing the dishes and grabbing her boobs is not what I call flirting. Or foreplay. Or anything but annoying. Neither is smacking her butt when she bends down to pick up the laundry basket, pinching pretty much ever, or pretending to hump her leg when she’s cooking dinner. Acting like a 12-year-old is not going to get you laid. What might? A long, luxurious back rub, a full-body hug like you mean it, and (yes, AND) an old fashioned make-out session.
  7. Her to do list is already too long. It’s hard relax, much less concentrate on having fun, when your mile long to do list in shoving its way into the corners of your mind. Asking, “What can I do to help?” or “Which of these things can I do for you?” and then doing without direction and doing it how you know she would want it done–WOW. It takes a huge weight off a mama’s shoulders. Freeing up that space in her brain and that time in her day makes it a lot more likely she’s going to have some of time and space left over for you.
  8. Your jokes are not funny. Moms have heard it all. If we stay home, surely we’re eating bonbons while lounging around and chatting on the phone to our friends. Or too lazy to get out of our yoga pants all day. Or absorbed in the meaningless creation of cupcakes and craft projects all the live long day. If we are working outside the house, our children undoubtedly endure the embarrassment of taking store-bought treats to school on their birthday. Or the humiliation of showing up to school with socks that don’t match. Or the horror of eating chicken nuggets from the drive through twice a week. Most days we can shrug off the stupid jokes of strangers, but not you. Those jokes aren’t funny, and hearing them from you doesn’t make us feel loved and appreciated. Are you seeing a pattern here? Loved. Appreciated. Help her feel THAT and you’re likely to get more love and appreciation in return.
  9. You don’t fool her. All of this is for naught if you are doing it JUST to get in her pants. Really, you aren’t fooling anyone, especially not your wife, if the only time you offer to put the kids to bed or make dinner is the same day you are hoping to have sex. It takes more than one day of doing some of the things above for her to feel loved, appreciated, and reasonably well-rested.

There are surely many more reasons our bedrooms aren’t as steamy as they once were in the days before kids. And I’m not AT ALL trying to say that dads are all to blame for it either. I just know that in talking to moms over the last decade or so of being a parent, I hear these same ideas repeated over and over. If any of them were a mystery to the dads out there, I hope I’ve cleared some of it up for you. If you have a tip for keeping it fun and frequent–moms or dads–we would love to hear your ideas in the comments.

1 COMMENT

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here