The Power of Community

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Parenthood is not a solo job.  Even single parents have days where they just Can’t. Do. It. Alone.  I raised my daughter alone with no child support and an absent father for over three years.  My family all moved away when my daughter was only seven months old.  The only way I could afford to work and provide for us was to find friends with young children on opposite schedules and trade off babysitting duties.

Even with that type of support, I still was giving all of myself to children or to customers and coworkers and bosses…  Basically, I was giving all of myself to others.  This seems noble, but it is far from healthy and sustainable.

When my daughter was about two, she outsmarted every child-proofing solution available and kept me up all night, every night.  I got so exhausted and exasperated that my mental health began to suffer.  It got so bad one night that I started having visions of throwing my toddler off the third-floor balcony.  I scared myself so badly that I called her pediatrician (who also happened to be the same pediatrician I had growing up) and made an appointment.  I just remember sitting down with her doctor, completely oblivious to the child trying to play around me, bawling my eyes out, hysterical, feeling so guilty for the thoughts I was having.

I am so thankful that the doctor knew me and my family so well and for so many years, so she calmly told me that it was normal to feel this way and to realize that the more I stressed, the more my little one would sense this and act out even more.  It was just a vicious cycle I wasn’t even aware of.  The pediatrician asked me a question that I have carried with me ever since –

“What are you doing for YOU every day?” 

I honestly could not answer that.  I barely made myself presentable to go out of the house for work every day, let alone take a moment that was just for me. 

I was given some medicine for stress and anxiety and advised to build more of a community around me.  Once I began focusing on this, our life improved leaps and bounds.  Now, several years later, I have a healthy co-parenting relationship with her birth father, I have an amazing husband that took her on as his own when she was three, and I live near family again.

I still have moments when I realize I’m not taking care of myself or making myself a priority, and my patience is lessened.  I still sometimes lose my patience, but I have a community built around me to help keep me balanced.  I daily hold onto some sage advice from my mother-in-law, “You can’t take care of anyone else if you don’t take care of you first.”  And, how true that is.

I used to think I had to be Super Woman, but that’s not realistic. 

When my daughter told me I was Wonder Woman one day, I felt like I could embrace that!  The mentality I had of being Super Woman was that I had to do it all by myself on an unfamiliar planet with no family.  On the other hand, thinking of myself as a Wonder Woman, I feel as though just being a mom is a wonder in and of itself, and I can handle anything with my tribe around me.

A friend of mine and his wife recently had a baby, and he mentioned recently that he was worried about her trying to do everything herself and noticing she seemed angry for fleeting moments when she couldn’t figure out why their baby boy was crying.  I told him the best thing to do for her was to make her slow down and give herself a break.  She has no idea how fortunate she is to have a husband so dedicated and willing to take whole shifts with the little man to make sure she takes care of herself.  I encouraged him to just keep doing what he’s doing, and she will be very grateful to him one day.

No matter what your situation is, here are some tips to save your sanity during parenthood:

  • Accept help – don’t fight those that want to be there for you
  • Truly believe that you don’t have to do it all yourself
  • Be self-aware of when you’ve reached your limit and need to reach out for help
  • Build a community – whether it’s through friends, your church, your neighbors, your coworkers, your physicians (find those willing to build into you and help you be your best self)
  • Take care of YOU, so you can take care of everyone else – even if it’s just a few minutes to take a walk by yourself or read a few pages of a new book (trust me; it will help so much)
  • Remember that each stage is fleeting and there will always be new challenges to parenthood – just do your best to embrace all the memories you can as you go

I so wish that the City Moms Blog network was around when I first was navigating motherhood; this type of community is so important, and I am so thankful to have the resources and support of the Cincinnati Moms Blog these past handful of years.  Hopefully, you will find part of your community here, too. 😊

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