It gets old after awhile, hearing other women talk about how they have to make up excuses to delay sex. It didn’t always bother me, but the worse things have become, the more I jealous I became of those women whose husbands constantly wanted to have sex with them, and jealousy turned resentment pretty quick.
It started shortly after we were married. Once a week sex became once a month sex almost overnight, and I felt horrible. My husband isn’t an affectionate guy by nature, so without sex there was almost no physical touch in our marriage, and what did exist was always instigated by me.
“…without sex there was almost no physical touch in our marriage…”
At first I took it as a challenge, you know? Maybe we just needed to spice things up!
So I bought new pajamas. Nope. I flirted with him more throughout the day. Nope. I dug a little deeper and thought, ‘He gets tired earlier than I do, maybe I’ll suggest things move in that direction earlier’. Nope.
After dozens of failed attempts on my part, it really started to get to me…What’s wrong with me? Am I unattractive? (This began before babies, so you can imagine how it feels now). And then the voices in my head took over: Is he addicted to pornography? Is he having an affair? I asked the hard questions and his answer was always no.
I suggested counseling. Nope. I asked about past physical abuse or psychological damage that I may have previously been unaware of. Nope. I asked about our relationship, if I was doing something that made it difficult. Nope.
So I started bringing it up over dinner:
Me: “Are you comfortable with how much we have sex?”
Him: “Yeah, I guess.”
And then I’d be more direct…
Me: “I’d love to have sex more than we do. It’s an important way for me to feel connected to you. How can we make that happen?”
Him: “I don’t know”.
Years into the struggle, after many tears and resigning myself to the fact that we might just have a sexless marriage (after almost 5 months of no intimacy) I took a different approach. I decided to stop doubting him. I chose to trust him. I expected the best of him. I thought to myself ‘If he is telling me the truth, and I believe he is, then the problem is either a psychological one (so deep he’s unaware of it) or a physical one.‘
So I mustered up all my courage and said “This continues to be an issue, and the risk to our marriage is higher than I am comfortable with. We are building something here, and sex is an important part of it. I’d like you to rule out any physical challenge, because it’s quicker, easier, cheaper, and less uncomfortable than the alternative.” And then I kept my mouth shut. I said nothing about it for months, all the while fighting to quiet the voices. While I waited I prayed a lot, and then I prayed some more. I prayed that I would see other ways that he expressed his feelings for me, I shared my hurt with a trusted friend, and I waited some more. It was more than a year after that conversation, but one time when he was at the doctor for something fairly routine, he finally had the test.
In retrospect, I should have considered his perspective more, but I was in the fog of my own perfectly legitimate feelings. If talking about the challenge with me was uncomfortable, then could for sure be uncomfortable with a stranger. Not to mention, what if there was something off physically? Well, there was. It turns out, his testosterone is barely on the chart for someone his age. I had never been happier about poor test results in my life; he had never been more crushed. I was totally thrilled that it wasn’t me; he was totally crushed that it was him.
I remember him telling me “It’s like I’m less of a man or something”, and I finally got it. I understood why he’d been avoiding dealing with the issue for so many years. His sex drive part of his masculinity, and without that, he feels less than. Incidentally, he’s an excellent partner, a terrific provider, and he handles crisis like an expert but this personal issue proved to be more than he could bear. He was afraid, and he felt alone – feelings I know well, and feelings I wish I had considered sooner.
So, how does the story end? I don’t know yet. We did our research and reviewed our options with the doctor, and we’re trying some natural methods for improving things (vitamins, supplements, and more exercise) as an initial step. Things are better – maybe not where we’d like them to be – but definitely better. We’ll keep working at it, inside and outside the bedroom, because I’m not going anywhere, and neither is he.
It’s hard! My husband did not (until recently) have anything wrong, but sex is just not something he thinks about. When we are together it is amazing. It’s just not very often. It doesn’t cross his mind except for a couple times a month. And if he’s stressed about work or anything else it’s less than that. I know exactly what you mean by the frustration! I have wrongly accused him of porn and affairs. I have cried myself to sleep many nights because of the feelings of rejection. I’ve bought lingerie to tease and been turned down while wearing it. None of it works. But there is hope in it! When we do connect it is very intimate so I try to focus on those moments more than the times he says no. We’ve talked and it’s not that he doesn’t find me attractive, but that he has other things on his mind. I’ve found that we have to have similar expectations and that talking about it, not in the moment, helps. We can come together and create expectations that are more aligned with each other’s needs. We are not where we need to be with it, but it improves every time.
That’s great that you refuse(d) to give up on each other!!! Prayers for you both!