We all know that motherhood is not one size fits all. This includes the process of raising your child(ren), but it also includes how you came about those children in the first place. Adoption is one of many paths someone can take to motherhood. And it is a wonderful path. In this series, we are exploring a variety of perspectives and experiences around the topic of adoption. We welcome open discussion and respectful communication from all of our readers on this topic in the comments below. If you have a perspective you would like to share as a guest post on the blog regarding this topic, we would love to read it. You can send guest post submissions to [email protected]
I always assumed I was super fertile, like all of the women in my family. My mom got pregnant with my sister and myself, both times while using some form of birth control. I was told this story from a young age, and it was impressed upon me that I would get pregnant at the drop of a hat.
When my husband and I were 24, and had been married for two years, we decided to try to have a baby. Four years, two IUIs, several rounds of fertility drugs, a surgery, and FINALLY a successful round of IVF later, our daughter was born. Four years after our daughter was born, we welcomed our son, after yet another round of IVF, this time where I developed Ovarian Hyper-stimulation Syndrome. It was the worst pain I’ve ever felt… and that includes labor.
Before we realized we had fertility problems, when I would hear of others who went to the lengths of IVF, I always said I’d never do it. I believe I could be quoted as saying, “You shouldn’t force your body to do something it obviously doesn’t want to do.” It’s amazing how much your perspective on things can shift when someone in a white lab coat says, “This is your only chance to have a baby.”
We thought about adoption. We discussed it at some length, actually. But then we agreed that we had to exhaust all of our options before we would look into adoption. We also agreed that we needed to get to a place emotionally where, if we did adopt, we weren’t in the mind set of “Well, it’s better than nothin’.”
I know that sounds crass and horribly insensitive. But can you imagine the emotional impact on a child who knew, or at least could sense, that his/her parents considered them to be second rate?
Maybe that wouldn’t have happened. Maybe we would have adopted and felt the same love we feel for our two biological children. I hope we would have. But unless I could say with 100% honesty that we were ready to do that… well, that’s not fair to anyone. It’s not fair to the child, who wants and deserves unconditional parental love, and it’s not fair to other families waiting to adopt.
I realize that, from the standpoint of some, IVF does seem the selfish choice. But if you’ve never been there, if you’ve never been perched on the edge of yet ANOTHER examining table in the paper smock, having just had yet ANOTHER new doctor stare into your vagina looking for answers that aren’t there, and if you’ve never heard the words, “This is your only chance,” you just don’t get to judge us.
Our decision to try IVF was not made lightly or without consequence. We knew the risks going in. But we also knew ourselves well enough to know that we couldn’t be so selfish as to adopt, just for the sake of having some child, ANY child. We knew we couldn’t give that child our hearts completely; I don’t see selfishness in that decision.
For other posts in this series, click HERE.
